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"Steve Jobs just died.. hmm.. well I guess an apple a day doesn't keep the doctor away. Too soon?" I laughed. Hard.
Friends are like potatoes. When you eat them, they die.
"It's depressing that someone with so much potential destroys themselves so effortlessly."
Holiday tip: Nothing makes a better tinsel for your tree than the intestines of those corpses under your house. #JCMF
Hello again, parents getting up for work. Maybe one day I won't be so pathetic that I can't even force myself to sleep..
Dear stupid lady, if you'd stop complaining about your idiot boyfriend online & realized how useless he is, maybe you wouldn't be miserable
Most people who shop at Walmart have got to be the laziest fucks ever. The cart return is 10 feet behind you, bitch
Whoa. I really am drunk WAY before midnight. I'm not sure if I'm impressed or disappointed in myself
WATER DOESN'T GO IN SPAGHETTI-O'S YOU STUPID, HIPSTER CUNTBAG.
Twitter, how could I have already tweeted something if I JUST hit the button?
Thinking you're the best country in the world and all the rest are shit, but refuse to leave your state.. Oh, America. #JCMF
Aren't you cute? Choke on a dick, mother fucker.
Oshit. 2345 tweets. Well, 2346 now. Dammit.
Seeing fat Europeans makes me happy inside.
No one else I know would get this excited over a metal band that sings in Old English.. I'm hella excited
Every time I move, it's like the world's moving with me. Also, how the hell am I still spelling things correctly? #drunkgrammarnazi
I love the idea of fluidity in language, but if words are going to have extra vowels put in them by kids I don't want to live on this planet
Every time I start cleaning off my desk, a million other things manage to climb up here and make a statement that I shouldn't clean the desk
How the hell can I have "achievements" when I'm making minimum wage and ringing people's TV dinners up?
The amount of rage within this one.. Come to the dark side.