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My chem TA said "A student 2 years ago wasn't wearing her safety goggles and got this chemical in her eyes", I asked, "was it Carol?"
Do you guys think Michael Vick is at home on his couch watching the puppy bowl?
I'm surprised Felix Baumgartners special suit has enough room for his balls.
How are people already playing Christmas music when I'm not even sick of thanksgiving music yet?
I'm so tired. Every time I sit down to write a tweet I just fall asle
Hopefully I don't pass out by Saturday's game from BLEEDING BROWN AND GOLD all homecoming week. #thepowerofgold
I'd like to think that I'm a jackass of all trades
Ray Lewis is about to hop on a hamster wheel to keep this game going!
Applebee's pulled the quesadilla burger off the menu in late 2011 because customers would go into hour long uncontrollable orgasms.
Congratulations to the re-election of the greatest president since George W. Bush.
The coin drop game at my local Taco Bell = my casino
Texting nude pictures on my phone is nice because I used to have to develop them at Walgreens and that was awkward...
"I'm pretty sure it's pronounced 'toes'", (how to piss off a Blackhawks fan)
Starting a group for other messy eaters like me called the "stain gang". DM for details.
Doctor: "Sorry about the wait, thanks for being patient."
Me: "No pun intended?"
Getting a tattoo that says "nothing is forever". Wait, shit...
Currently practicing in the mirror how I'm gonna tell all you guys "I told ya so" when jorts finally catch on.
Should he write this in third person, or should I write this in first person? It does say bio, and not autobio. Fine, he will write this in third person.