A "personal cigar roller" was hired for Justin Timberlake's tour. I doubt very much tobacco will actually be rolled. #NiceTry

@thehouseofwtf the one "boyfriend" I had was black and had a 4" dick. #StereotypesCanBeDisappointing

"I really enjoy Jason Geitman's company." #SaidNoOneEver

Resident: "He's handicapped." *points to 10 year old boy*
Me: "... How can you tell?"
R: "My handicap-dar just went off." #ShitResidentsSay

would do bad, bad things for just mediocre seats at a Cirque du Soleil performance.

Amanda Bynes makes me so sad. :(

I hate that my pillow gets more head than I do. :(

Everyone give @nathanplacer a #ff bc he rts some of the funniest shit and his tweets themselves are great.

Man. In the new Britney Spears music video, with all of it's fast and frequent scene changes sudden enough to give me a seizure,

Me: "Why is there a spoon outside?"
Res: "Because I was diggin'!"
#ShitResidentsSay

This might be doable tonight. #SpecialThanksToSmirnoff

I called this church two weeks ago and left a voicemail telling them they make God look stupid, and they don't care. pic.twitter.com/QYY8EYpgwZ

Texting someone that you're interested in even though you know they give 0 shits about you. #TheDefinitionOfStupid

Went down another notch on my belt today. How did I celebrate? A large shamrock shake and two king size Reese's eggs... #Oops

Thinking about you, @therealroseanne ;) pic.twitter.com/M3JvsA8JIH

<<< Being the bigger bitch to someone.

@therealroseanne I want you in me.

I chuckled http://t.co/DPK3S2OX

I want a Bluth Banana.

All of you should check out @nathanplacer. Now.