My cat won't let me brush him with a brush, but will let me brush him with a fork.

I see a Chinese buffet in his future.

Today I chose my grocery store based on how ugly I can look and still be one of the more attractive people there.

I'll be the creepy person at the PTO meeting who doesn't have any kids.

I find it ironic that no one I actually know has ever favorited any of my tweets.

I won a beer cooler for my car at work yesterday. I'm guessing they are encouraging me to drink and drive so I get arrested and fired.

Tonight I am turning off all my technology. Yep, it'll just be me and my nook. And my cell phone. And my laptop. But other than that...

I've decided to quit my job and become a psychic. My ability tells me people don't believe I have psychic powers-I'm already reading people!

You know what sucks? Waking up to your roommate having really loud sex. Well, they can listen to me clean the bathroom while they cuddle.

I went to the grocery store to buy apple juice. Now ask me if I fucking remembered the apple juice.

Yesterday sucked, so today I wore house shoes to work. I'm not sure how those relate, so leave me alone and don't ask.

You know it is going to be a long day when you wake up thinking how great it is going to be to go to bed tonight.

I'm heading to a wedding and don't have anything to wear but a white sequins dress. I'll be the most talked about person there.

A tweet that only says "is" received over 2700 favorites. I think I am brilliant when I get one favorite. Something is amiss here.

I randomly found a piece of coal on the ground. Someone is getting this for Christmas.

These kids today don't know how to dress appropriately for 80's night. It's appalling.

I had a dream last night that I put "no planking" in my syllabus. Apparently this planking craze bothers my subconscious.

I found cat litter in my shoe today. I don't have a cat.

I learned I would rather die of dehydration than walk downstairs to get a drink, and forget pouring something, that is waaay too much work.

Dear hair, I'll cut a bitch! Stay out of my eyes or else!

Anyone have an instruction manual for a moral compass? Mine seems to be broken.