If Twitter has taught me one thing, it's how to read a story backwards.

Did you guys know Zooey Deschanel likes to sing? Oh, you didn't? Well, just watch anything she does and she'll remind you within 4 minutes.

@whoabot who? @mpetrella http://t.co/J9dfK4b2

Lidstrom scores and points directly at a Red Wings fan in the Colorado crowd. We just witnessed the best moment of that fan's life.

Is ChapStick ok for a butthole? Asking for a friend. Who ate a lot of spicy food recently.

Dude. Glenn lucked out on The Walking Dead. I don't have a girl that attractive, and the human race is still alive in my world. Fuck.

Hey Rick, my girl says you've been weirdin her out lately. Did you really tell her you wrote a song about her? We gotta talk ASAP.

-Jessie

I like to play a game called Where's The Fuck In The PG-13 Movie.

Another reason our grandparents were cooler than us: The Rat Pack were legends for getting drunk & partying. We ostracize celebrities for it

Hahahaha. Suter and Parise to the Wild! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well, Heatley, Gaborik, Setaguchi, and Havlat have all had great success there. Cups!

I wonder how many poops Zach Parise has taken as a free agent.

The Sadhouse on Sadison. #Blackhawks #Coyotes #NHL

@stephtronic @chrisdf00 Nope. She has a giant dick, too.

This droid speaks Bocce, motherfuckers!

@mariia19 Are these the boobs we're looking for? @whoabot @marlonbrando_ http://t.co/Tsn3ONcT

Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Fucking nailed it. http://t.co/ddjBnmK http://t.co/8dBbhuc

@fightnightatjoe you stupid?

Hey Fwitter, you're a bunch of dick clowns. The lot of ya. Asshfuckers. You fuck asshes. But, I like asshfuckers, so yer cool with me.

@emersojo Wednesday to-do list: 1.) win 2.) win 3.) win 4.) poop 5.) lose a little 6.) shower 7.) win 8.) win 9.) cry a little 10.) cocaine

The Patrick Kane : He only puts it halfway in his mouth #NHLsexacts