build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life...

I don't care what Discovery says- I'm pretty sure HIV is the deadliest catch...

Love is like a well: a good thing to drink out of, but a bad thing to fall into...

my life is like a porno minus the freaky sex - no plot & bad dialouge...

Somedays, I really wish it were legal to stab people...

Stalking is just like two lovers going for a stroll, except one doesn't know the other one is there.

My air conditioner is broken. I've been breathing unconditioned air for more than 14 hours.
This, people, is how super villains are made...

He may love you good, but I will love you right.

Whomever invented glitter should be sporked in the eye...

There's no situation I can't get through with a few friends and a lot of tequila

Guys: if you aren’t willing to go down without expecting reciporcation, You’re doin it wrong…

Jesus said he loved me, but in reality he just wanted a green card...

Love is so much better when it's mutual




I'd imagine...

going over taxes, watching Grease, and eating cirkle K nachos....

just another reason I'm still single...

Hot pizza, cold beer, green bowl. All I need is a beautiful woman and I'll have achieved Nirvana....

Dora teaches our kids it's ok to yell at brown people in Spanish when telling them what to do...

First real crush in years-
do I act on this and meet her or keep her as someone who lives in my phone????

Can't wait for no shave November to end, it's like I'm carrying two ewoks around in my pants...

I love Twitter, it's the only place where being anti-social is socialy acceptable...

Asshat, that's a thing right? She compliments my hat, I should compliment her ass. Not sure why HR is all upset...