I'll never understand why the hand basket is the most popular form of transportation to hell.

If my dog could eat your dog and still be hungry, yours is not really a dog.

Because things like USB coffee warmers exist, I know we will never do anything drastic to save the environment.

Twitter is over capacity. Just ban everyone who follows ashton kutcher, problem solved. Actually multiple problems solved.

Half the time I have no idea what you people are thinking, the other half is so obviously tits.

Developing crushes on girls who consistently star my tweets. Well at least their profile pics. I hope they are girls.

Favstar is a great way to track your irrelevance.

Know what's fun? Explaining a joke after making the joke. Like right now when I'm going to say that this is sarcasm folks.

I put more effort into twitter than I do life.

I'm a bit tired, and pretty thirsty. I know you don't care, but it's not as though you can unread this.

I'm just not sure we are working hard enough at eradicating morons. Although extreme sports was a pretty good idea.

I call my followers disciples.... Because of how few there are.

I like my women like I like my coffee: I don't like coffee. Uh oh.

Sometimes I leave my fly open just to see who notices.

Either I'm especially funny tonight, or you guys have lowered your standards. If it's the standards thing, want to come over?

Sometimes you know that nobody is going to like your tweet before you send it. But you send it anyway, because fuck it, I think it's funny.

Who decided that men need to shave their faces? Fuck that guy.

The problem with saving pets from the pound is that they don't understand when I threaten to return them. Unlike these orphans...

As a Canadian on twitter, I'm beginning to forget which words are supposed to have an extra 'U' in them, and which of them auren't.

No, YOUR tweet drunkenly lacks purpose or intelligible cohesion.