"I really hope Madonna plays her new song!" - Nobody

"Siri where is the closest phone booth?" - Superman 2013

"Yo Homes, smell ya later". -Me, Every time I get out of a cab

Today at work I typed "google" into Bing and "bing" into Google, hit enter, and hid under my desk. I'm still alive, but stay tuned.

Does Lady Gaga dress as a normal person on Halloween?

The best part of Emily and Jef is they can share jeans #bachelorette

If you can ride a unicycle, you have way too much free time.

I just real life bullied a cyber bully

Congratulations to Eli Manning for being the first football player with down syndrome to win two Super Bowls

The dog from Frasier has more talent than the whole Kardashian family combined.

#StorageWars can't believe they put that tweet on tv http://t.co/0wJ7Tu5R

If I ever saw Ice-T drinking a lemonade while talking to Arnold Palmer, it would absolutely blow my mind.

One time I walked into McDonalds and I could smell Type 2 diabetes floating in the air and I threw up.
#McDStories

Is Madonna singing to Tim Tebow. #virgin

I don't watch Mike and Molly because all I need to do is drive to the closest McDonalds and watch the fat people not being funny.

That was the best 22 hour movie I've ever seen

"Feel free to marry your cousin but not if your gay" #NewNorthCarolinaMotto

Do you think Super Bowl 76 will have Lady Gaga?

When I see musicians performing on the street, I stop and critique them in Simon Cowell's voice. They hate it.

Hey @bensavage, do you still bang Topanga?