Cats don't like water. However, I found that they like pressure washers even less.

My neighbor is opening a pig farm. Just got wind of it today.

If Tori Spelling and Kelsey Grammer ever hook up, they should name their first kid Scrabble.

When I use out-of-state public restrooms I am frustrated by "for a good time call" phone numbers that are missing area codes.

I save unused McDonald's napkins in my car as if they have monetary value.

What do crickets hear when their jokes bomb?

When dating, pyromaniacs are also looking for a perfect match.

I take "Dry Clean Only" tags more seriously than "This Product May Cause Cancer" warnings.

Nothing says class like a wedding invitation that ends with BYOB.

When someone commits Twittercide are their Favstar trophies used as urns?

I drink my instant coffee from a Starbucks cup when others are around.

Just once before I die, I want to be forced to make a quick decision on whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire.

I think most of you are simply too lazy to unfollow me.

I would read instruction manuals if they were on the back of cereal boxes.

I read your Favstar tweets to my bowling league while projecting your avis on the wall. They applaud by finger snapping (poetry style).

How do you politely reject using someone's phone who has too much face grease?

Apparently someone is putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.

Just once I would like to watch a cop show where the criminal has to be brought uptown for booking.

Just filled the bird bath with vodka.

Now I wait for the funny tweets.

My fashion advisor* told me that it is not too early to start wearing Fall colors.

*Lisa at Kmart