I installed a motion detector floodlight to shine in my neighbour's bedroom window each time her wind chimes move.

The first car company to make an in-dash espresso dispenser standard equipment on their 2013 model has their first customer right here.

For $30 i can give out pretend trophies OR keep my blender full of tequila, triple sec, lime & ice.

*Raises frosty glass to you*

Anyone know a legal substance that has the combined effect of chocolate, wine, & punching a deserving jerk in the head?

People say I'm crazy for talking to my dogs. I'd rather be thought crazy than rude and ignore my pets when they ask me questions.

My neighbor's pissed at me for feeding my 2 "pet" crows because they make noise & poop on his roof. I'd do it myself if my ladder reached.

2013. Welcome to the I'm Old But Still Got It club. Our first order of business is to remember what "it" is and where we left it.

I just realized I forgot to send Columbia House a change of address card in '88. My cassettes must be stacking up.

Went to Halloween store to buy life sized skeleton to make a corpse, but $98?! There must be a cheaper way to get a cor...uh, never mind.

I have a purpose! Without people like me, moralistics & fitness fanatics wouldn't have anyone to point at when preaching to their children.

I don't tell you to follow who I follow. I just fav & RT them so you can see for yourself how good they are!

Lots of different stores in the US.
The ones we see the most are Lowe's, Target, & For Lease.

Nothing like waking up to three guys with wood this morning!

(the floor layers arrived early)

I painted the kitchen, hall & ceilings, & discovered there's an arm muscle between my bi & triceps: the OMG-I-can't-undo-my-bra-now muscle.

TIP: Adding a shot of Bailey's to your coffee isn't as good or as efficient as adding a shot of espresso to the Bailey's bottle.

Freaked at a brown bug on my chest that caught my eye. Slapped at it repeatedly.

Note to self: when you breathe, freckles go up and down.

Truthful Tuesday: When I smile and nod as you're talking, I'm agreeing. Not with you, but with my impression of you.

Just tried my bathing suit on. It must have a spell on it. It made me look like an exhausted overweight middle-aged woman.

Ever get the feeling that life is a formal by-invitation-only affair and you're in filthy coveralls trying to peek in the window?

I get even with people who eat samples at Costco & leave their carts in my way. I toss things in. See single guy w/ tampons at checkout 5!