My friend just poured a $4 bottle of Evian over ice he made out of tap water. Fuck everything.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm fucking delicious"

"Dates" should be called "tedious fuck interviews"

I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market, armed with nothing but a bag of gluten.

I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I'm temporarily delusional"

You will never hear anyone say "I did exactly the right amount of coke last night."

You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you're not better than everybody else.

Frat boys never wear their baseball caps straight because they don't want to have to take it off when they blow each other.

How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

My son flipped off his teacher yesterday. In related news I wasted $700 on a DNA test.

Where do I hate you from?

"I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.

If size didn't matter then it would be the baby carrots in my girlfriend's fridge that taste like pussy instead of the cucumbers.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is "great" and "awesome."

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he's finished.

Hey teenage fuckfaces, in the 90s WE ACTUALLY HAD TO USE OUR VOICES TO TALK TO GIRLS AND WE DIDN'T GET 5-10 MINUTES TO THINK UP DECENT LIES.

Girls do the male jack off motion and nobody cares, but I lay on the floor and work my imaginary clit for 5 minutes and everybody freaks out

I'm pretty sure "Reverse Mortgage" is a sex position where a banker fucks an old person in the ass & then blows his load in their kids faces