A haiku about getting out of bed:

No no no no no,
No no no no no no no,
No no no no no.

There are no skeletons in my closet. But there is a tiny box of souls in my underwear drawer.

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

If you aren't enough of a man to embrace a woman's curves, you don't know what you're missing out on, and will never deserve to.

My phone battery, bank account and spirit are equally drained.

Do I hate men?


Hahahha




Hahahahhaahaha, don't be ridiculous.



Yes.

To the little ginger kid practicing his air punches at the bus stop this morning:


Fuck it, I'll be your friend buddy.

We're adults. How did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

Boobs, bacon, blow job, butt stuff.





Where's my trophy?

I have a device in my pocket that gives me access to every bit of info ever. I use it to look at pictures of cats & argue with strangers.

Women are meant to be admired, not understood

If I have to tell you what I want, I don't want it anymore.

I turned my fish tank light off because I'm unhappy. They should be depressed and dark with me.

I'd have 19K followers TOO if my VAGINA was in my avi.


Maybe. I mean, I hope so.

I hate when bitches say you're too cute to be single. No, I'm too cute to be lied to, cheated on and played with

Apparently "cheeseburger no pickles" means make me a fucking PICKLE SANDWICH

What I hate the most about office holiday parties is looking for a new job the next day.

You go your way, and I'll go crazy.

I just want to learn how to whistle, make a relationship succeed and create a new list on Twitter.

If you ask me what I do for a living, I will respond with "hoodrat things."