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When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her?
Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me- Because I fucked your mom?
Cop- Get out of the car!
Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?
Lunch with my 8 year old son - $45
Hockey game - $65
Hearing my son say "sit your ass down" to the guy standing in front of us - Priceless
I need to go spend time with my kids.
and by spend time I really mean, find them before my wife gets home.
This can't be happening, again.
I bet Osama Bin Laden accidentally hit the "Add your location" button during his last tweet.
Been there, done that.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.
My wife set my sleep number to couch.
I FOUND THE CLlTORIS!!!
It's on page 86 in this Dictionary...
My wife's been talking about wanting another baby but when I brought one home today, she totally FREAKED OUT!
There's just no pleasing her.
I made my computer password "Yes", because my wife apparently doesn't know that word.
My friends and family want me to get help for my masturbation addiction. I told them that I don't need help.
I can beat this all by myself.
Ever watch a movie & halfway through you realize it sucks but you stay with it since you've already put time into it?
Welcome to marriage.
God has cursed me with thoughts that come in 147 characters.
I love watching porn because the guy always gets the girl at the end.
What can I say, I'm a romantic.
My wife isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch while she loses her mind.
Me-I quit Twitter.
Me-To spend more time with you and the kids.
Wife-And tell US your stupid jokes. Oh no, go back to Twitter.
My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard and they're like.....
What did you put in my drink?
You look hot now!
I feel funny......
Wife- Do you like my outfit?
Me- I'm in the shower!
Wife- Just stick your head out and look.
Me- How you doin'?
Wife- NOT THAT HEAD!
The Daytona 500 and the NBA All star game are both on today.
I bet there's nobody at Walmart.
I'm the guy that your Mom and Dad approved of, but you still wanted to fuck.