@SlappNuttz's most faved Tweets...
When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her?
Thanks.
Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme.
Thanks.
Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme.
Lunch with my 8 year old son - $45
Hockey game - $65
Hearing my son say "sit your ass down" to the guy standing in front of us - Priceless
Hockey game - $65
Hearing my son say "sit your ass down" to the guy standing in front of us - Priceless
I need to go spend time with my kids.
and by spend time I really mean, find them before my wife gets home.
This can't be happening, again.
and by spend time I really mean, find them before my wife gets home.
This can't be happening, again.
My wife's been talking about wanting another baby but when I brought one home today, she totally FREAKED OUT!
There's just no pleasing her.
There's just no pleasing her.
My friends and family want me to get help for my masturbation addiction. I told them that I don't need help.
I can beat this all by myself.
I can beat this all by myself.
Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me- Because I fucked your mom?
Cop- Get out of the car!
Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?
Me- Because I fucked your mom?
Cop- Get out of the car!
Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?
My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard and they're like.....
What did you put in my drink?
You look hot now!
I feel funny......
What did you put in my drink?
You look hot now!
I feel funny......
Ever watch a movie & halfway through you realize it sucks but you stay with it since you've already put time into it?
Welcome to marriage.
Welcome to marriage.
You've been married too long when you choose Twitter over getting a blowjob....
and when you start to lie about being offered a blowjob.
and when you start to lie about being offered a blowjob.
I can guarantee my boss will never ask me "What's up YOUR ass?" again.
The look on his face when those anal beads came out, was priceless!
The look on his face when those anal beads came out, was priceless!
I'm driving a fucking minivan, you dumb fuck! You should've considered that I may already be suicidal before you started road raging on me!
Wife - I want you to take off my bra and panties.
Me - Done, now what?
Wife - Put some clothes on and quit wearing my underwear!
Me - ...
Me - Done, now what?
Wife - Put some clothes on and quit wearing my underwear!
Me - ...
I've been breaking my addictions;
No soda - 9 months
No Xbox - 6 months
No smoking - 3 weeks
No masturbating - 1 minute 58 seconds
No soda - 9 months
No Xbox - 6 months
No smoking - 3 weeks
No masturbating - 1 minute 58 seconds
What if I've had a 3 hour erection when the time changes? Is that then considered a 4 hour erection?
I need answers, people!
I need answers, people!
I just ran into an ex-girlfriend, in a secret location, that was previously arranged.
What. a. small. world!
What. a. small. world!
My wife is giving me that look. You know the look, it's a mix between "get off the fucking computer" and "why did I marry you".
She's good.
She's good.
Wife just sent text "losing my mind, kids are going crazy and the cable is out! What time will you be home?"
My text - "No Hablo Ingles!"
My text - "No Hablo Ingles!"
FYI - Testicles are not consider "lucky charms" in the corporate world.
Related - I'm visiting HR again.
Related - I'm visiting HR again.
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