The only way I could love Adele any more is if she stuffed her Grammys in a pillow case and beat the shit out of Chris Brown. #grammys

I'd be scared if I was Michelle Obama's pussy right now.

The word "swag" does to my vagina what salt does to a slug.

Named my vibrator "Linkin Park" because it's big and metal and made for pussies.

There are some horrific things in this world, but the worst is white girls with vacation corn rows.

If you watch Cinderella backwards It's about a girl who leaves a party to go fight bitches and roll around in dirt.

My prediction? Snooki gives birth three months premature to a ball of Ed Hardy shirts.

Ever get so high you have to turn the volume down on the TV to taste your food?

Nicknamed my vagina Ray Liotta, because it used to be awesome but now it's kind of a big greasy disaster.

Always finish what you start. Especially blowjobs.

Remember: you're fingering my butthole, not thumb-fucking the A button on your Xbox controller.

Don't hate on whores. It's better some girls have dicks in their mouths than opinions.

Drunk dialed my ex and freaked out when he actually answered, so I pretended to be his mom. Worst part is his mom died giving birth to him.

Madonna looks absolutely phenomenal for a 3000 year old mummified cat turd.

Fuck unicorns. My favorite imaginary creature is my dad.

I know this really sexy move I can do with my mouth. It's called "shutting the fuck up".

When I'm drunk I speak in Captcha Security Codes.

When people say they're into indie music they're also saying "punch me in the throat and steal my wallet. I won't fight back".

Hell is having even one pregnant friend on Facebook.

I wish I had even half the confidence of fat chicks in tube tops.