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In my 34 years I've learned that if you hold a snake still long enough any man will fuck it.
And hot tamales are the tastiest treat ever!
If the relationship you're in isn't a 10 out of 10, why are you still in it?
He might be a different song, but it's the same dance.
"Hide your crazy, and start acting like a lady."
In my experience putting a ring on anything ruins it. Except cock rings.
Think witches don't exist? Have you ever seen a vagina with warts?
People that don't masturbate should go fuck themselves.
Had a date with myself tonight. I even got lucky. I'm the best boyfriend ever!
Give up guys, daddy will always be number one at sex.
You know how you lock eyes with someone when you climax? Well, you were busy, but your dog was willing.
There are no such things as mistakes, just lessons.
Unless that lesson gave you herpes.
The secret to happiness is low expectations.
Today I'm doing the no pants dance in your honor.
I treat blowjobs like a sundae. You want whip cream and a cherry on top of that?
Nothing says "hey baby, lets make a porno" like putting on squeaky shoes.
When I shop at Ross I always do it in blackface
My orgasms are a lot like a velociraptor playing hopscotch.
Confession booths make the worst glory holes.
Graduated from Brown in astrophysics. Lost career sniffing glue. Gave myself to Christ after worlds largest gangbang. I named my vagina after @sarahfemme