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Sometimes the good lord puts someone in your path just so you can run them over.
If I’ve had my finger in your butthole, you’re my boyfriend.
I’ve got soooo many boyfriends.
In my 34 years I've learned that if you hold a snake still long enough any man will fuck it.
And hot tamales are the tastiest treat ever!
If the relationship you're in isn't a 10 out of 10, why are you still in it?
He might be a different song, but it's the same dance.
"Hide your crazy, and start acting like a lady."
In my experience putting a ring on anything ruins it. Except cock rings.
Think witches don't exist? Have you ever seen a vagina with warts?
People that don't masturbate should go fuck themselves.
Had a date with myself tonight. I even got lucky. I'm the best boyfriend ever!
Give up guys, daddy will always be number one at sex.
You know how you lock eyes with someone when you climax? Well, you were busy, but your dog was willing.
There are no such things as mistakes, just lessons.
Unless that lesson gave you herpes.
The secret to happiness is low expectations.
Today I'm doing the no pants dance in your honor.
Graduated from Brown in astrophysics. Lost career sniffing glue. Gave myself to Christ after worlds largest gangbang. I named my vagina after @sarahfemme