i just caught my dad pounding off to avatar. fml

got a surprise birthday party today. was definitely a surprise.... today's not my birthday.

facebook is the annoying little brother I've never wanted.

I hate it when Velvet Revolver's "Fall to Pieces" comes on my iPod during an intense game of Jenga.

Skinny jeans no longer fit. Guess it's Phat jeans from now on.

low of -17 today. only thing colder in Toronto is Brett Lebda. -19 #LikeaLebda

the sun is racist towards snowmen. I'm going to hide Frosty in my attic.

Came home drunk and horny. Wife told me to tell someone that cares. Called the babysitter.

I wonder how many assholes have 999 beers on their wall.

haha wow, these midgets cannot handle their alcohol! Grumpy just puked on Snow White's shoes and he wasn't very bashful about it.

Took my date to a fancy restaurant and she orders the grilled cheese. Next time we're going to McD's and the twat is getting the happy meal.

I'm going to Tivo "My So-Called Life" so that I can live it later. kinda too lazy right now to be honest.

worst Facebook status.. It's complicated with: Lorena Bobbit.

I like bringing snakes to the hardware store and watching people scream. Because who doesn't love Snakes and ladders?

@tomgreenlive I'm in for Toronto! Also, I expect my $2 back for buying "Shred" out of the discount bin. Dave England, WTF?

#WhenIwasLittle I was just a little kid.

#WhenIWasLittle I had a dream I was abducted by aliens. I took all of their virginities and then gave em all quarters so they can phone home

I've just discovered the sweet spot for number of times you can say 'Fuck' in a tweet without coming off as a twat. It's precisely 45.

I got a fever but my doctor refused to write me a prescription for more cowbell. :(

The carny guessed my exact weight but I still won a prize cuz I guessed how many teeth carny had. By won I mean stole and by teeth I mean 3.