What's up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?

I tell people at work that I smoke so that I can leave every 20 minutes and work on my coloring book.

If you told me that all of Pearl Jam's songs were just Eddie Vedder reading various soup recipes I would believe you.

Hey let's take it down to about a Maroon 2, guys.

When one door closes, another one opens. Then you're inside Wal-Mart.

Ya, I'll meet you there. I just have to run home and change my mind.

We had a little pregnancy scare, but it turns out my backpack was just on backwards.

Don't let me hold your baby unless it's wearing an otter box.

Just saw a moth abandon his friends at a street lamp and try to fly into the moon. He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to die a hero.

So far I'm 0 for 560 in going the right direction after getting off an elevator.

"That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight. That's me at the beach. Oh, that's me trying to kiss a llama!" - R.E.M. photo album.

Is Eminem's dad the regular red one or the yellow one with the peanut inside?

I think I just fell in love. No, wait. Stairs. Yeah, I just fell down stairs.

You put your right leg in, you take your right leg out. You put your right leg in and there's gotta be a better way to put these pants on.

Forgot to take my phone out of my pocket before I got in the shower.

She rolls her phone number into the burrito, hands it to you and says "Hold on to it, just in queso." Dawson's creek theme song fades in.

Organizing my socks from longest to scariest.

The majority of my tweets are written during an attempt to avoid making eye contact with another human being.

You just don't see a good sword fight anymore.

I got my black belt from JC Penny.