These aren't stretchmarks. They're scars from when I kicked Wolverine's ass.

"Is that a good book?" *looks up* "Nope, it's a delicious sandwich." *goes back to reading*

@dankcharnley Dear guy that invented that annoying third hook on bras, who hurt you?

I feel like I could eat this entire room.

If I lost an eye, I'd have a mirror put in my empty socket so people could check their hair and makeup when they stared at me.

No, I'm not 'a french', but I play one on Twitter.

@ffarqhuar 64 fucking pages into this tumblr.  http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_luboaz7geL1qddn14o1_500.png …

On to the next horror movie. Opening credits and title are in Comic Sans: AreYouFuckingSerious.jpeg

has never chewed off a man's face, virtually or otherwise.

I started to rum out of panty icing  http://instagram.com/p/aUUNiSOc71/ 

I found a horrifying kiddie ride at the mall. Words cannot express this thing. These pictures will scar you for life. http://t.co/dmfgCVs6

TWITTER, I DEMAND SATISFACTION. *Glove slap*

I have to take my septum ring out when I visit my grandmother...or I could leave it in & intentionally give her a stroke. There's an idea.

but to avoid my own shortcomings with my fellow human beings. #NeuroticLitNerd

DISLCAIMER: I DO NOT HAVE SHOULDER HAIR.

Alright, I'm going to go shower. If I'm struck by lightning I trust that you'll all have a massive battle over my awesome nerd horde.

Raise your hand if you look like a rockabilly librarian today...just me? Ok.

"I must return to my people." *climbs onto giant turnip and flies into space*

"Ask me anything" I boldly announce to my 4 Tumblr followers.

@themarcstone She looks like someone starved the world's most beautiful woman for a week or so.