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Every dance floor becomes a great place to take a nap if you've had enough to drink.
On the phone w/dad about China stock crash & mom hears "china" & "crash" & is yelling at him "what did u break now?" & I should just hang up
Calling it the Great Depression was a pretty historical moment for sarcasm.
The most depressing thing about the stock market crash is that I only lost $28.
Little gnome fact: I often mishear & then misuse common phrases because I'm too preoccupied with lawn ornaments.
It doesn't matter how long you microwave a cat, it will never turn into a turtle.
Penguins are really terrifying when you consider that they can swim like a fish AND fly majestically.
Obviously I could use some material but there's no way I'm watching a debate to get it.
High think, therefore high am.
I freak out about everything. I even freak out about freaking out. That's how freaking freaked out I am. Freaking out now.
Not sure one atrocity is more egregious than another… but then again… I've only personally been through one divorce… so far.
If I ever got arrested, it would be for murdering someone I just said goodbye to and then watching them walk along with me.
The voices in my head are all smarter than me.
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