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It's exhausting to think of all the words that have passed between us and the weight they carried.
Our first date will be eating the samples at Whole Foods.
*takes out garbage*
Me: I love you, Honey.
Wife: You still can't have an Apple Watch.
I'm pretty sure people only eat anchovy's cause their Mum didn't love them enough.
I don't cry when someone upsets me, I smile because I have a chainsaw.
At this point, I'm unsure if I'm "still in bed" or "already in bed."
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
IT IS LIKE THEY TAILOR THESE YOUTUBE ADS FOR ME AND ME ALONE
You had me at "Don't message me again."
Twitter is the corporation and we're all bored members.
Year 28 of the Easter Bunny not bringing me anything. I'm starting to think he might not be real.
I'm so committed to losing weight that tomorrow I'm only going to eat the hurtful things that people say about my body
Apparently the Easter bunny is coming tonight and if he refers to his doodle as the Easter bunny one more time, I'm going to bite it off.
Carry counterfeit money in case you get mugged. The mugger will get caught spending it and it's a way more serious offence than mugging.
Maybe bananas get all black and bruised because they run their own fight club when no one is around, you don't know.
Maybe the church would be more accepting of the transgendered if we called them ‘altered boys’.
Just be cool, she is an 80yrold woman with mental issues. You can buy your own butterfly net that one is hers, just walk away.
You maybe cute but there is no way you're harmless.
Your perception of reality may not actually be what that grasshopper tells you.
Sometimes the clock tolls midnight and you just have to say fuck that, I'm finishing this book.
The voices in my head are all smarter than me.
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