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We're all "freelance writers," until someone pays us to write something. You don't need to put that in your bio.
200 out of 1.21 billion were lured to convert-reconvert and our MPs are going crazy. Pakis should try that at the border instead of guns.
In the next Transformers movie there'll be a 3D printer-transformer who can make an army of himself really, really slowly.
Sometimes you have to grab a green monster from under the bed, body slam it and throw it out the door to get some sleep.
It's what Dads do.
Oh, this band-aid on my nose? I *saw this creep mugging an old lady and his knife got me before I laid him out.
*was clawed by my 3 y/o.
I love you but I'm taking all the blankets.
How old is too old to have a complete meltdown when it's bedtime BECAUSE IM NOT TIRED YET AND WORK IS A BIG MEANIE
Q: How do you cure a depressed robot?
A: Cut the blue wire.
Toddlers invented the sit-in.
*gets pulled over*
3: Are you going to jail?
4: Are we going to jail?
Me: Depends, should I tell them how much you girls fight?
Have you ever watched a newborn deer walk? That's how I wrap presents.
I'm in danger of slipping into a good mood. I'm gonna go read facebook threads until I hate the world again.
My blood test came back "cheese".
Me: Hey, anybody.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: Then why isn't anyone answering?
Me: Fine. Be that way.
Whoever said that money can't buy love, is still unmarried and have not heard of the word 'dowry
the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My 7yo daughter just walked into the room and started rapping.
So yeah, thanks America. Thanks a fuckin bunch.
If she's got custody of the tupperware she's probably not coming back.
Every morning I get in some practice for being a grumpy old man
Why don’t they make fireplace logs out of stuff they use in those trick birthday candles you can’t blow out?