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  • RoughHanded
      Rough Hands @RoughHanded

    It's exhausting to think of all the words that have passed between us and the weight they carried.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    WaterLilyDreamsamity_humilitycarlyme23BethUnbalancedMountainRaptorZedTango4EverJRsBbyGirlmcclarnand
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    openeyedreamerStaceyCP784KittenArmoramhigginscrayamouuthfulHis_sub_m6Shamrock8Avatar_unknown_48
  • mattmanic
      Matt Manic @mattmanic

    Our first date will be eating the samples at Whole Foods.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    Zwolf666NixadoodleSlipCarefullydesi_princess
  • UncleDuke1969
      Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969

    *takes out garbage*
    *mows lawn*
    *cleans gutters*
    *makes dinner*

    Me: I love you, Honey.
    Wife: You still can't have an Apple Watch.
    Me: Crap.

    • 160
    • FAVS
    SmooheedAdamFrench21msnisgufawwthtawkwrdmmentRICKSH0WLerbsyCherbsKilgore_Studge
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    SmooheedAdamFrench21LerbsyCherbsKilgore_StudgeElgatoEsmiohoplesslycrazyvenkaiceprincesDwim74
    brunopieroni
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm pretty sure people only eat anchovy's cause their Mum didn't love them enough.

    • 91
    • FAVS
    LeleLelesavageDeTuroSammyscott_towelladyfiredancerFloatersfinest123HopesterBethsButtJasmin_Tatts
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    LeleLelesavageDeTuroSammyJasmin_Tattsswollenvoiceavaricious1GigsIsMyNameiGreenMonkhirojesus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I don't cry when someone upsets me, I smile because I have a chainsaw.

    • 175
    • FAVS
    WICKEDTRUTH01LeleLelesavageElelinGlsoulfulrebel83augustmondkelkuluskulturbolschewiladyfiredancer
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    WICKEDTRUTH01LeleLelesavageaugustmondkulturbolschewiladyfiredancerCAITBBKFCreamed_potatomrs_rainey1970
    ladyfiredancer
  • jordan_stratton
      Jordan @jordan_stratton

    At this point, I'm unsure if I'm "still in bed" or "already in bed."

    • 162
    • FAVS
    B1gBrainsMcGeeNichollsTerenceThisAlexSteinlllvvvzzzSpaziotwatSSparklesDailyAna_Leishal_mcman13
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    elixiraromaticlllvvvzzzRitalinSpinAna_LeishaAdamFrench21kaety96errdayhustlahAndDesist
  • david8hughes
      David Hughes @david8hughes

    Wife: I want to have another baby
    Me: one is more than enough
    Wife: we have 3
    Me: the others know how I feel

    • 2,305
    • FAVS
    the_beanie_kingthefinndiariessassythethinkerkaylamariemcgeeellen_hewittAdrianaTheHumanNikolavValokincurtis225
    • 929
    • RETWEETS
    kaylamariemcgeereillyholmes23curtis225BasementGoblin1JAlex_Pbradley1a_Red_Luigi_marleyxnola
  • BlairLoudly
      Blair Loudly @BlairLoudly

    IT IS LIKE THEY TAILOR THESE YOUTUBE ADS FOR ME AND ME ALONE

    • 14
    • FAVS
    CompocolypseBareChestySlipCarefullygnatmagSebDamasGinRumMehurlariousGG246810
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    BennieDanson
  • Cunda22
      Cundalini @Cunda22

    You had me at "Don't message me again."

    • 139
    • FAVS
    123HopesterSlipCarefullyfacciabelladavidblack8181TheSweetestD_JHALLTHREEdannyracer_toyotaman1988
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    LeleLelesavaget_annndannyracer_toyotaman1988iam_jokrtexasweethangJustUnstableMeDrTGeldenhuys
  • PeaceInTruth1
      Rusty @PeaceInTruth1

    Twitter is the corporation and we're all bored members.

    • 123
    • FAVS
    IsisIrisimawakeLegal_SomewhereSweetgirl2679SlipCarefullyLuvPugDWaitressddsmidtjunejuly12
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    Legal_SomewhereSweetgirl2679ddsmidtthisagainehMasterOfFurycarole_mulzgoaway_idcbitchSerialFuckup
    clindsaysway
  • Angrytrashman
      Greg @Angrytrashman

    Year 28 of the Easter Bunny not bringing me anything. I'm starting to think he might not be real.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    PartyBearLAMiniwheats2012mattZillaaaamarcia_beemydmacSleazySlijamiewildcats2_LipiLicious
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    PartyBearLAMiniwheats2012mattZillaaaamarcia_beeSmooheeddivadeb99KizerBillhelmgmossii
  • BlairLoudly
      Blair Loudly @BlairLoudly

    I'm so committed to losing weight that tomorrow I'm only going to eat the hurtful things that people say about my body

    • 45
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamCompocolypseHealthyTips2015Humor_FetishISOremarkableJaySaysStuffmtgunderrealvalleygirl
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    JaySaysStuffJustUnstableMevivalacrapISaidDontsweetmissashleychrismerrillEcce_Homosexual1CleverGirl1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently the Easter bunny is coming tonight and if he refers to his doodle as the Easter bunny one more time, I'm going to bite it off.

    • 101
    • FAVS
    ladyfiredancerFloatersfinestSlipCarefullyduxynarowJandalizeGigsIsMyNamehirojesuscleve66
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    1DrunkUncleDogLovesWineDoyle_McLainndiquoteswollenvoiceTedBundybitchAmiigatsweetg35
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Carry counterfeit money in case you get mugged. The mugger will get caught spending it and it's a way more serious offence than mugging.

    • 146
    • FAVS
    DeTuroSammyFloatersfinestKarmaKineticsthebosunSlipCarefully2loony1Jack_Grizzlyelizabethodom89
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    DeTuroSammy2loony1hirojesusoOpslovesuiTomFooleryDominiqHigginscassvinceAdam14
  • astutenewf
      DaBear @astutenewf

    Maybe bananas get all black and bruised because they run their own fight club when no one is around, you don't know.

    • 433
    • FAVS
    lonewulf87ericonederfuljamitupingabeposeyJane___JonesMistyGH_KittenMcKayIam_banksy21
    • 304
    • RETWEETS
    jamitupinMistyGH_KittenMcKayLorieGZDamselFireflyMiCayCayyclaireabella31crazyabhish
    ElgatoEsmioJB_4_Realz
  • UncleDuke1969
      Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969

    Maybe the church would be more accepting of the transgendered if we called them ‘altered boys’.

    • 373
    • FAVS
    PagesBrainCoLiN69JGelasticGoGoXOSchitzoSandyGuestvoxx_populiiiMu5huAnsohh
    • 198
    • RETWEETS
    GelasticGoGoXOSchitzocrazeedayAnsohhBuck_MinistercactibeachBiitchpiitchadjua43
    Overdue_BillsTitansHomer
  • PascalSloths
      Pascal Sloths @PascalSloths

    Just be cool, she is an 80yrold woman with mental issues. You can buy your own butterfly net that one is hers, just walk away.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    AceNixon6CompocolypseJarrrryBabySlipCarefullyCatherineLMKthedailymarkerchellehavaz_PBody__
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardBlairLoudlyjohngayseeKizerBillhelm
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You maybe cute but there is no way you're harmless.

    • 184
    • FAVS
    FloatersfinestSlipCarefully2loony1duxynarowhg47mcibtyangellgurlAdam14
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    JillmasterjayyySlipCarefullysunshyngurla_olivia4212MikeSmootheSSourblondiebig_scottie_69MarkAFuqua_Hunt
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Your perception of reality may not actually be what that grasshopper tells you.

    • 121
    • FAVS
    avaricious1SlipCarefullySerialFuckupduxynarowPolhunterPAdam14nomes_u_BadKitty
    • 36
    • RETWEETS
    SlipCarefullya_olivia4212vidadederekSpec138shaggykwbPeaceInTruth1Hiphexylcleve66
    cleve66
  • BlairLoudly
      Blair Loudly @BlairLoudly

    Sometimes the clock tolls midnight and you just have to say fuck that, I'm finishing this book.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    SlipCarefullyLorieGZScarsFourEyessweetg35TheStarsBreathehospicemusingsjeffrhoodtkwallace
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    nicollectioNYCgiannetkThe_SculptressTeeJayRushBeachLotusgnatmagbarcelonasnshne

Tumbleweed’s Recent Discoveries

@SlipCarefully

@SlipCarefully

The voices in my head are all smarter than me.

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