Microsoft Excel always seems to encounter problems where there aren't any and then wants to shut down.

You're a woman, Microsoft excel.

@davetrek42 i'm drowning in extremely boring work, hence no tweets. But i'm still here. Watching. xo

HR should seriously consider how a new boss affects my twitter time before hiring someone.

This new one actually expects me to work.

New boss has managed to make me hate him only 15 mins after meeting him. I'm almost tempted to ask for his technique.

I'm wearing my earphones and the fucking thing still managed to get tangled up at the other end. So ya, tangle free wires...

Get on that.

HR has just nominated me as a Fire Marshal at work. Which means i'll be bringing sparklers to work everyday. Wheeeee!

@blairloudly Deal. Fried food in a pillow fort with ya = my fav things evah.

Do mongooses bitch about other mongooses when they're drunk? Or is it mongeese?

Thanks for the cup @_ultimatetwit . Cheers.

You're like the best fried food ever Mr. Loudly. I mean, thank ya and kisses @blairloudly . xo

The dinosaurs died because there was no fried food available then. They died from the healthy stuff. And depression.

Yesterday's alcohol research showed that I say Dude a lot while I'm high. Unfortunately it doesn't stop during hangover stage either.

Boomerang? pic.twitter.com/QkAm3Wc1C3

I'm sorry. I really am. That last tweet is exactly why I've been staying away from here. Smoked salmon is pretty much all I have right now.

Cigarettes aren't all that bad. Salmon taste pretty good after they've had a smoke.

Doing nothing.

Currently exploring the theory that alcohol helps me focus better.

I'm typing faster, so that's a start.

Bubbles are meant for bursting.

This is pretty much the smartest thought i've had all day.

Pudding isn't prejudiced. It won't judge you like pie does.

A quick way to burn body fat is to set yourself on fire.

Stick figures don't need to pee. That's why they look so fine and dandy.