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It's so difficult to tell if you're chortling correctly. If we all practice together, then dad won't judge our chortling skills.
I'm not apologising just to make you feel better. Fuck off.
His subtle message went unheard in all the laughter that followed.
He was not very good at subtlety.
Come to me, I have all the answers.
Would you rather be stupid or an idiot?
My brain needs some alone time. From you.
She looked at him with eyes filled with pain and heartburn.
"How could you do it Ray. How could you make the food so damn spicy?"
Is there an Assholes Anonymous too? Why blame only the alcohol for you being a prick.
I tossed & turned all night which pretty much completes my exercise for this week.
It's one thing to push your religion on me, but I draw the line at adopting your brand of toothpaste as well.
Insult them, then laugh at the end so they're not sure whether you were joking and don't beat you up.
Microwaves are so fucking needy with all that beeping for attention as soon as they're done.
"I'm sorry I haven't been in touch lately", she says. "You see, I'm an idiot who still hasn't understood the value of friends".
The 1st hr every morning I'll have 1 eye open to make sure I don't stumble around too much.
That's how you can tell I'm a morning person.
It's awesome how the songs I don't like or would never listen to sound like the greatest songs ever when I'm drunk.
Successful experiment no 21: If you hit him on the nose when he's sleeping, just like you'd swat a fly, he stops snoring.
Sometimes I wish you were a cassette tape so that I could turn you over and hope Side B was more interesting to listen to.
Relationship status: busy looking at pictures of cute kitties online.
This eagle has been hovering around me on my way to work. Either it's a spy or it's the latest in GPS technology - I can't tell which yet.