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Would you rather be stupid or an idiot?
My brain needs some alone time. From you.
She looked at him with eyes filled with pain and heartburn.
"How could you do it Ray. How could you make the food so damn spicy?"
Is there an Assholes Anonymous too? Why blame only the alcohol for you being a prick.
I tossed & turned all night which pretty much completes my exercise for this week.
It's one thing to push your religion on me, but I draw the line at adopting your brand of toothpaste as well.
Insult them, then laugh at the end so they're not sure whether you were joking and don't beat you up.
Microwaves are so fucking needy with all that beeping for attention as soon as they're done.
"I'm sorry I haven't been in touch lately", she says. "You see, I'm an idiot who still hasn't understood the value of friends".
The 1st hr every morning I'll have 1 eye open to make sure I don't stumble around too much.
That's how you can tell I'm a morning person.
It's awesome how the songs I don't like or would never listen to sound like the greatest songs ever when I'm drunk.
Successful experiment no 21: If you hit him on the nose when he's sleeping, just like you'd swat a fly, he stops snoring.
Sometimes I wish you were a cassette tape so that I could turn you over and hope Side B was more interesting to listen to.
Relationship status: busy looking at pictures of cute kitties online.
This eagle has been hovering around me on my way to work. Either it's a spy or it's the latest in GPS technology - I can't tell which yet.
I love you so much. Here's a fridge magnet as a sign of my awesome love for you.
She had been in a mid-life crisis for most of her life, but she preferred to just call it Life.
I don't see myself as insane or psychotic. But I do see you as a wee bit dull.
The whole tone of your message changes when you type 'jugs' instead of hugs.
My plans to seize the day and conquer the world always get foiled by my couch.