the first time i realized nature was beautiful was when i saw a raccoon drink from a pepsi can like a human

sup girl I’m here to stress you out

my passions include: kissing my biceps while crying; misinterpreting religious texts

If I Don't Make It Please Tell My Wife I'm An Ass Man

Sir, your resume is just lines from Kindergarten Cop

Listen man *lights cigarette* I've experienced emotions before *takes drag + speaks while exhaling* and lemme tell you: I still don't get it

please unfollow me if your first action upon entering your home isn’t to remove all of your clothes like they were shackles of society

I signed up for twitter to be murdered and I stayed on twitter because I have yet to be murdered

a cool thing to do with a friend is shut the fuck up

Chase after garbage trucks while screaming “take me with you!”

Throw CDs at my frail nude body

Hey Babe come lay face down in this ditch with me

The only things I care about are: women; women made out of guns; women made out of beer; me and a bunch of women drinking beers

saying “i love you” and “im sorry” to everything

I'd like to be shot into the Sun so I can kill it

tell your friends ‘hey i appreciate you’ every hour until they tell you to shut up

Mom, this is my girlfriend, Damn Girl

whenever someone finishes telling a story ask “well did you kiss?” doesn’t matter what the story is actually about

selling my body for science and/or love

dogs are pretty smart for a bunch of idiots