Ever feel like you got chewed up and spit out by a fuck-your-shit-up machine?

Buying lemonade from the neighbor kids' stand to swallow a pill with. I have a prescription, but I still feel like a bad ass. :)

Ever park under a turdberry tree on a windy night? Happened to me. :(

@cali_kid_mike if your Twitter client/app does not give you the option to turn off RTs, it should, mine does but I haven't released it.

Sign above the coffee maker at work:

This machine has an on/off switch.
Do *not* unplug it or I *will* cut you.

OK, who knows how to play "Find the Popes in the Pizza" with Father Guido Sarducci?  http://vimeo.com/59509411 

People who spell out web site URLs on TV: it's not "backslash" or "\". The separator character is "/" or forward slash aka "slash".

This isn't working ... Fine our new safe word is going to be GET THE FUCK OFF ME.

#FF RT @truetorontogirl Yes, you’re correct. I don’t know jack shit. I don’t care to know Jack and surely don’t give a fuck about his shit.

First prototype waterfall for the new pond. LadyGwenII #waterfall #pond  https://vine.co/v/bEgq9hWO01n 

Gotta love the old folks driving their old POS car. Slow turning into a street so they won't fart from all that excitement.

How easy is your life that you can't be bothered to learn how to fill out form 1040EZ? #irs #taxes

You know you've got bad insomnia when you can't nap either. #insomnia

@rowdyberger Maybe she is trying to make it longer.

You don't LOOK Jewish! @thatfunnyjew Just posted a photo  http://instagr.am/p/VzGcLwl49B/ 

@scottlinnen Sure bumper stickers like that are stupid, but not everyone is afraid of Tarantulas...

12/12/12 is OK, but 6/6/6 was the shit. #121212

But there is a 'u' in suck! :) @clarkekant There is no "I" in "mistake".

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