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You know what I miss? Most social cues.
I often feel bad for my friends because they aren't as funny as me. Or as cool as me. Or exist.
Attractive Asian girl next to me. How to lead. "So have you always been Oriental?" seems the most likely to end in penetration.
Saturday night. Haven't showered today. Laying on my couch in my boxers watching Up. Take a number ladies.
I follow porn stars for the articles.
"Not today. I feel fat." - Said by my hand. Never.
Taco Bell is basically a fat girl. Want it at 2am. Wake up & feel disgusting inside & out. Go back for more next weekend.
God I feel fat today. I don't know why. All I've had to eat was a bowl of cereal and a glass of ranch dressing.
Facebook: Post picture of child's little league game
Twitter: Talk of raping & murdering the child's coach. Male or Female
Women are all like "Where's your bathroom?" and I'm all like "How'd you get out of that duct tape?"
Thinking about leaking some photos of my penis. Hoping they make it on WebMD!
Why do all lesbians love me but the majority of women find me appalling? Must be all that respect I show them.
Irregardless. Supposably. 2 words that, when used, are grounds for me to punch you in the kidney.
As a kid I liked to make model space shuttles and reenact the Challenger explosion. Sidenote - kittens make terrible astronauts.
Had a dream I pissed on 5 people at a restaurant. Woke up. Clean sheets. Somewhat disappointed. There were 10 people there.
Women always say men have "the cycle" too. Possibly. The bloating feeling comes and goes. Mainly in my penis.
Taking a dump in Yankee Stadium isn't that great. Mainly because I'm already surrounded by a bunch of pieces of shit.
Jesus Christ #beardpocalypse is the funniest thing I've seen on tv since that snuff film cartoon network accidentally aired.
You know what is a great idea? Cutting up peppers and then rubbing your eye. I promise, try it. FUCK