Dear people who retweet the same persons tweets 11x in a row,

Congrats. I'm following them now.

And unfollowing you.

My mouth gives the best dick hugs.

Ladies, don't ever try to fake squirting.

That's just... Well, it's pee.

I'd rather see pictures of you making your baby than pictures your baby.


Thats how much I hate seeing pictures of your baby.

I follow people because we talk and/or they're funny.
Don't hate on me because I find you boring.
Not on team follow back.

Nope. Not gonna let someone else decide how my day is going to go.

Sometimes the hardest thing I do at work all day is keep my cleavage covered.

The amount of tweets you star of mine is equal to how much you want to fuck me.


Thats what the stars are there for right?

Who ever is my 150th follower will get to see my nipples.



I'm lying.But I'll starfuck the shit out of u.

If ur funny,not gonna fake it.

Don't look at my McMuffin with disgust when you're heating up a Hot Pocket.

If you see a full cup of coffee in front of me, maybe don't talk yet.

Wait til it's half full.

Would you like one of my holes? - apparently NOT the appropriate way to offer donut holes to your male supervisor

I'm teamfollowyoubacktoyourplace


For a night cap.

Or to study your routine and go all Jeffrey Dahmer on you.

Say "I won a math debate" really fast.

-giggles-

Dear face & chest,

If you could NOT turn bright red when you see a boy I might actually make eye contact w him & you could have lips on you

I miss being a toddler.

Why, you ask.

Because I could walk around barefoot, pants-less, and with pigtails. #livingthedream

They should hand out bacon when you trick or treat.

I'm so glad they love their bodies, but I think some women don't deserve the second "B" of "BBW".

Lauren.

I tell you my name before you ask so you know what to moan when we're fucking.

Yeah. This dressing room will do.

Don't tell me you want to pull my hair and then call *me* the freak when I like it.