I stayed up for hours last night staring at the moon until I realized I was looking at a street light.

A Chilean miner just posted a status update on Facebook. He says he's very busy, "still buried at work".

Realistically, anything in our fridge that isn't in the front at my eye level might as well not exist.

TSA Chief says passengers who resist pat-downs cause delays - and are naughty, naughty little teases.

My wife asked me if babies open their eyes before they're born. I responded they do, if they have a womb with a view.

Keith Olbermann suspended for campaign contributions - or as reported by Fox News, triple homicide.

I can't concentrate today. I think my focus was assembled by Ford.

Priorities: I overslept this morning and my first thought was "Oh no, I'm late for Twitter."

I'll bet the management of 7-11 is glad the events of 9-11 didn't happen in July.

I've spent my Thanksgiving at a casino & on Twitter - all I need to complete this holiday is a McRib & a beer.

The San Diego Padres have fielded better teams since lifting the priesthood requirement for players.

To practice hygienic baby feeding, we are supposed to boil the nipples once a week. Boy, does my wife hate that day.

Playboy to release iPad app in March. Apple says initial sales should be firm but will soften shortly after launch.

Playboy releases every back issue on external hard drive - perfect for setting a drink on while surfing for real porn.

The assortment of fast food & gas station napkins in my house tells a sad story.

IHOP restaurant sues IHOP prayer group over name. Chief concern: prayer group serves better food.

I'm confused. Were we supposed to turn our clocks forward or back last night?

Am I the only one who brought cups & cinnamon sticks for Cider Monday?

Osama bin Laden living in Pakistan house. Discovered by sharp mailman delivering TV Guide to "Mr Albert Qaeda."

I can think of few things worse than eating good salsa with a bag of broken chips.