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The wife has bought some new killer heels today.
You know what that means.
She'll need a piggy-back home from the bar later.
They say a sure way into a woman's bed is to make her laugh.
This does not work if she is in fact, laughing at your knob.
Who the fuck thought Panini's were a good idea.
Dried up bread squashed flat in a super sized hair straightener.
Seriously. YUK !!
For those who hate Mondays. We have public holidays today AND tomorrow, in the UK.
Thanks Queen. I don't know what you are for, but thanks.
I'll lick anything you want, but not stamps. They taste disgusting.
Wife was checking my TL and said she saw a picture of someone with a hair dryer stuck up her arse !
I wish I knew which one of you it was.
So far this week I have given up drinking 3 times and said I was going to the gym twice.
Think I'll start going to church.
God knows what I ate yesterday, but I feel like I'm gonna star in my very own 'Alien' movie very shortly.
Wife. "Will you turn the tv off. It's distracting me from twitter."
A new low in personal relationships.
I've had an iPhone so long now, I couldn't work predictive text on my wife's work Nokia.
It really won't be long before I can't work a pen.
You would have thought that by now, given all of our technological advancements, that someone would have worked out what to do about Monday.
Ok, I accept it.
It was a mistake telling my wife that when I slap her arse it somehow reminds me of blancmange.
I am in Florence.
This is not a euphemism for some kind of magic roundabout related porn.
I have seen the number of the beast.
It goes by the name of 2days of mandatory health and safety training.
Just seen the Birmingham walk of starts.
Well, the two plaques at the skanky end of broad street opposite all the strip clubs.
I like hot desking. I always choose to sit by the most 'up their own arse' douche, and annoy the fuck out of them by tapping and singing.
I have eaten more than half my meals this weekend in bed.
That means I'm winning at life, right ?