They say a sure way into a woman's bed is to make her laugh.

This does not work if she is in fact, laughing at your knob.

The wife has bought some new killer heels today.

You know what that means.

She'll need a piggy-back home from the bar later.

For those who hate Mondays. We have public holidays today AND tomorrow, in the UK.

Thanks Queen. I don't know what you are for, but thanks.

I'll lick anything you want, but not stamps. They taste disgusting.

Wife was checking my TL and said she saw a picture of someone with a hair dryer stuck up her arse !

I wish I knew which one of you it was.

I've had an iPhone so long now, I couldn't work predictive text on my wife's work Nokia.

It really won't be long before I can't work a pen.

So far this week I have given up drinking 3 times and said I was going to the gym twice.

Think I'll start going to church.

God knows what I ate yesterday, but I feel like I'm gonna star in my very own 'Alien' movie very shortly.

I have eaten more than half my meals this weekend in bed.

That means I'm winning at life, right ?

Wife. "Will you turn the tv off. It's distracting me from twitter."

A new low in personal relationships.

I like hot desking. I always choose to sit by the most 'up their own arse' douche, and annoy the fuck out of them by tapping and singing.

Really, how hard can it be to run a train up a straight bit of track ?

I used to manage it when I was 5.

I shouldn't drink gin in the early evening. It makes me like everyone.

Who the fuck thought Panini's were a good idea.

Dried up bread squashed flat in a super sized hair straightener.

Seriously. YUK !!

We are watching the secretary.

I'm hoping for a good outcome.

Ok I give in. It appears my super power is knowing every woman's bra size on sight.

I am smalldr0.... The bringer of comfort.

Actually I've been watch dog tv for ages. It comes up as babe station on my telly though.

@77stephanieg77 i know you like zombies but maybe you shouldn't have got @buzzzzzkill to have bumped off so many people ?

Every time the woman sitting opposite me on the train see's a snowflake she phones her boyfriend.

What this country needs is more tigers.

I have seen the number of the beast, and it's not 666 it's IKEA.

Even the sweets confirm it.
GODIS SKUM http://t.co/umUDs8xD