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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
A girl who always wears a hair elastic on her wrist is a girl who's always ready to give an impromptu blowjob.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn't even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Hey moms! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"
Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." - Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.
Somewhere, George W. snaps a crayon in anger while scowling at the TV in his Flinstones PJs and ten-gallon hat.
I know it's the holidays when I find myself putting crushed up Xanax around the rim of my margarita glass instead of salt.
Ask any girl, and she'll tell you she prefers being barefoot. Ask her how many shoes she owns, she'll say dozens. Lesson: We're crazy.
Women are super awesome at remembering insults but we have the memory of a goldfish with compliments and need them repeated continually.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
If girls REALLY wanted nice guys, they'd look for them at Star Wars conventions instead of bars.
Look, my baby looks like a bean so I think I know a thing or two about women's bodies and what they should be allowed to do with them.
Hold your arms out, kids, while Mommy mists you with Febreze. Mommy's had a tad too much grownup juice to supervise a bath. Close your eyes.
Let's fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Drinking does to life what turning the radio up does to a car's loud engine problem.
Writer. Mom. Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
