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Boobs are simply nature's mind control devices. Beautiful, soft and round mesmerizing mind control devices.
Some people wouldn't know how to be happy even if it was raining gumdrops and blowjobs.
I'm not fat, I'm kidnap-resistant.
There are no limits to the evil of man.
I want to glaze you like a doughnut. You may take that as a sexual devient or a sugar fiend. Your choice.
I want to glaze you like a doughnut -Fat guy sext
If I win the lottery, I am SO never wearing pants ever again...
Sheer Terror: When your 3 year old nephew tells you they have "lumpy farts"
It's now 4pm and I have not told a single person to fuck off today. I really am making progress in being a better person.
I have spent way too much time sober since I got married and produced a child.
Due to budget cutbacks, this tweet is now 26% less funny.
This tweet was stolen.
Excuse me, but somebody forgot to put some whiskey in my coffee.
I am just a stranger in a strange land. This is the unfiltered dribble of my mind, so it's probably not suitable for anyone.