Don't grow up. It's a trap.

I've lowered my bar so much, I just tripped on it.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.

May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee."

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

If we can have HD video from Mars then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

I don't have kids. I have cocktails.

Not sure what it means, but the town drunk just walked by my house, shaking his head at me...

Whenever I have to send an Email to an AOL address I think, "This will go unread. This person can't possibly still be alive."

Dibs on "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.

Based on today's wardrobe, my favorite color is dog hair.

I'm not always witty. Sometimes I'm wasted.

Why is happy just an hour?

You know you've had too much coffee when you take the stairs.

Six at a time.

Another Day of Twitter Poker: I'll see your booze dependency & foot fetish & raise you a narcissistic psychopath w/a meth addiction & a pony

Oh, great!!! I used volumizing shampoo and now I can hear all the thoughts in my head...

Twitter isn't for everybody. Some of you might want to try your luck on eHarmony.

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And Tweet it instead.

Him: I never meant to hurted you.
Me: I never meant to date someone who doesn't know English.