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I've lowered my bar so much, I just tripped on it.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.
May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee."
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
You know you've had too much coffee when you take the stairs.
Six at a time.
Not sure what it means, but the town drunk just walked by my house, shaking his head at me...
Whenever I have to send an Email to an AOL address I think, "This will go unread. This person can't possibly still be alive."
If we can have HD video from Mars then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
I don't have kids. I have cocktails.
Dibs on "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.
Based on today's wardrobe, my favorite color is dog hair.
Why is happy just an hour?
He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up.
I'm not always witty. Sometimes I'm wasted.
Oh, great!!! I used volumizing shampoo and now I can hear all the thoughts in my head...
Another Day of Twitter Poker: I'll see your booze dependency & foot fetish & raise you a narcissistic psychopath w/a meth addiction & a pony
Him: I never meant to hurted you.
Me: I never meant to date someone who doesn't know English.
Writer, Identical Twin, Former NFL Cheerleader & Snarkamist saying what your inner monologue wishes it could. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you
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