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I've lowered my bar so much, I just tripped on it.
May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee."
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
You know you've had too much coffee when you take the stairs.
Six at a time.
Not sure what it means, but the town drunk just walked by my house, shaking his head at me...
Whenever I have to send an Email to an AOL address I think, "This will go unread. This person can't possibly still be alive."
If we can have HD video from Mars then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
I don't have kids. I have cocktails.
Dibs on "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.
Based on today's wardrobe, my favorite color is dog hair.
Why is happy just an hour?
He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up.
I'm not always witty. Sometimes I'm wasted.
Oh, great!!! I used volumizing shampoo and now I can hear all the thoughts in my head...
Another Day of Twitter Poker: I'll see your booze dependency & foot fetish & raise you a narcissistic psychopath w/a meth addiction & a pony
Him: I never meant to hurted you.
Me: I never meant to date someone who doesn't know English.
Writer, Identical Twin, Former NFL Cheerleader & Snarkamist saying what your inner monologue wishes it could. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you
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