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  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Don't grow up. It's a trap.

    • 1,011
    • FAVS
    cassvincemydirtycastlesass_slingerhispanicmathmanPaperWashShashannaPrincecuntrystronggalChaitraSalian
    • 888
    • RETWEETS
    hispanicmathmanTMagolaaman226Meyerss___CallMeCidcuntrystronggalLamheyystaceyray86
    CelebrityChezAllyBallyBealTheRealDrToddIamEnidColeslawMasterOfFuryBrennanDurant____littlekitnerboyDavidOzmund
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I've lowered my bar so much, I just tripped on it.

    • 676
    • FAVS
    Pounce_de_Lionjunkyardiganjpuncholonaive_nomorethetristanblakeMrAssholeToYouLeahNekotekubitu
    • 271
    • RETWEETS
    BipolarNazijacksotwisterjpuncholo1BornWildMrAssholeToYouSavsterMiGreenMonkAllie705
    Northside_MikePoliticallyILL1captainashamedSteelFontana__
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.

    • 481
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlewordsartmagicanitaluke13vivaPalookasass_slinger_KizzzyFavetelinguissUntouchableShe
    • 263
    • RETWEETS
    Andrea__B__BeautifulOne__KizzzyUntouchableShehispanicmathmanLucraeBeatmwendwadennisiamMunga__
    partiallyproSteelFontana__
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee."

    • 480
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathmanTheRomanParkerJAI_NE8HJDoody523RaniaanterfriggoffffShaeAaron
    • 164
    • RETWEETS
    JAI_NE8HRaniaanterfriggoffffThateverydayguysmash_landingtkhan744CrocsSquishieFish
    LazerPunchCaptainObtuse
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

    • 382
    • FAVS
    BWoWzerlucy_nyholm123Ferbette4CRCavazosSBStarbuckRachelTurnhamFreyja127MyPornKhan
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    lucy_nyholm123jonathanrlearyFerbette4Red_ScootaSBStarbuckjennniibabybbyvelociraptorBwanaChris
    nowarranty
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    You know you've had too much coffee when you take the stairs.

    Six at a time.

    • 304
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathmansanguineselkieGoodSCGuymatt102910_______NotRaneemsmash_landingvanilladog69
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    GoodSCGuymatt102910_______smash_landingvanilladog69cbme69__RadMcCoolThe_ThrottlenekGrumpyBahr
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Don't be sad Andi, Nick will see you again: Outside your kitchen window, with a butcher knife. And a locket. #Bachelorette

    • 293
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastleLoveNLunchmeathispanicmathmanskaylamissJordanRaglinCarolHello1svennyjohnnyMslys26
    • 171
    • RETWEETS
    Mslys26LEISUREGODDESSchelseasimmonsNicoleLeeTV1dimpleGdiamonddscottlazs91HottWheeels
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Not sure what it means, but the town drunk just walked by my house, shaking his head at me...

    • 287
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathmanMinionTrainerrumandrocksUp2LongSCOOPISMSNo_Title_Per_SeMrMrsNaughty1
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    rumandrocksUp2LongQstnds4_Queen__goodersuk74______DGonzelezBobFoxx214LtFrankDrebbinSeanEmeny
    TheStarMachine
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Whenever I have to send an Email to an AOL address I think, "This will go unread. This person can't possibly still be alive."

    • 281
    • FAVS
    cassvincemydirtycastlehispanicmathmanTeaBeaPeaMinionTrainerUp2LongLubi__LuReAnim8ed_
    • 110
    • RETWEETS
    Up2Longcanonmaster______Northside_MikecatcervenyMasterOfFurydatkidduknow____fillthevacuumwrstew5150
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    If we can have HD video from Mars then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

    • 276
    • FAVS
    cassvincemydirtycastlehispanicmathmanTheRomanParkerAdventuresOfDanSirLionLegocreatemarcMorganLleigha
    • 150
    • RETWEETS
    lilsislynneerinshinaurgeekisshowinggodholioremiel20MistyamberA_Bad_KarmaThateverydayguy
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I don't have kids. I have cocktails.

    • 259
    • FAVS
    cassvincemydirtycastlehispanicmathmanjozigirlUp2Longfillthevacuumgoodersuk74______BobFoxx214
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    littlemisspsunLillithLedaUp2LongBobFoxx214TomOwen_Sirrruhmax_pad21Ray_stephan
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Dibs on "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.

    • 246
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathmanUp2Longfillthevacuumgoodersuk74______poppa_sofSirrruhTmoney68
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    SirrruhlovemydogduckSharpeBytesbrainsdocrezeskibitchFacekitty____JimmerThatisAllMasterOfFury
    joeljeffrey
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Based on today's wardrobe, my favorite color is dog hair.

    • 243
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathman5secsofanficKittenWrittenUp2Long_watermxlonOpenClassMXmaxthatsall
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    catastrophe_kidkatieboyce16VN_RubenUp2Long_Shells1courtspilmorejannable9fillthevacuum
    Up2Long
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Why is happy just an hour?

    • 213
    • FAVS
    Bombay_MartinicassvincemydirtycastlehispanicmathmanTheRomanParkerGentlemanHonorFirstAidBoxxJAI_NE8H
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    cassvinceJAI_NE8HfriggoffffThateverydayguyUp2LongBobFoxx214SirrruhRag3Ryan__________
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up.

    • 210
    • FAVS
    cassvincemydirtycastlehispanicmathmanThePhotowagonTeaBeaPearumandrocksUp2Longmandydeville
    • 105
    • RETWEETS
    32580beccaThePhotowagonrumandrocksUp2Longconeal32helloimvikingoRojoLipscanonmaster______
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I'm not always witty. Sometimes I'm wasted.

    • 203
    • FAVS
    cassvincemydirtycastlehispanicmathmanThe_Dorkster______ihuffpaintPeaceInTruth1Up2Longgoodersuk74______
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    cassvinceihuffpaintfavstar_historylittlemisspsunRay_stephanCPK3gunnerfan69__lovemydogduck
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Oh, great!!! I used volumizing shampoo and now I can hear all the thoughts in my head...

    • 190
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathmanThateverydayguyFor_KicksWAYNES_O__________rumandrocksNichollsTerenceKittenWritten
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    32580beccarumandrocksKittenWrittenUp2LongiGreenMonkLoverkeithlevlovemydogduckGrillinChillin9
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Another Day of Twitter Poker: I'll see your booze dependency & foot fetish & raise you a narcissistic psychopath w/a meth addiction & a pony

    • 185
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathmanThateverydayguyFor_Kickssssh_squirrelWAYNES_O__________NichollsTerenceUp2Long
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    Up2LongJellyNinjasgoodersuk74______BootsyMcgeelaurarbxTmoney68nevincrainlovemydogduck
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Him: I never meant to hurted you.
    Me: I never meant to date someone who doesn't know English.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    mydirtycastlehispanicmathmanFor_Kicksheadway10Up2Longgoodersuk74______KariBKari13BobFoxx214
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    BobFoxx214ctrabs01143aminthemornjinkeejnrbtsn__________ApocalypseBnGRatchet7DonAshley_Rivers18
    squashguy15
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Twitter isn't for everybody. Some of you might want to try your luck on eHarmony.

    • 167
    • FAVS
    For_KicksDeurb1gen_8675309______mutedchestUp2LongSirrruhTmoney68Rag3Ryan__________
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    jezz9876Up2LongKennedyShonalovemydogduckGrillinChillin9McInappropriateTheAlexPTurboJellyBean
@SmithWit

@SmithWit

Writer, Identical Twin, Former NFL Cheerleader & Snarkamist saying what your inner monologue wishes it could. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you