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Based on today's wardrobe, my favorite color is dog hair.
I've lowered my bar so much, I just tripped on it.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Don't grow up. It's a trap.
You never realize what you have until it's gone.
Take toilet paper for example.
Star or RT. There's no reason to bring conversation into all this.
Him: I never meant to hurted you.
Me: I never meant to date someone who doesn't know English.
Laughter is the best medicine. Well, unless you just had your sinuses scraped and drained. Probably.
Lindsay Lohan arrested.
AND...we lob it back over to you, Amanda Bynes...
Doctor: I'm afraid you have what's known as "children..."
When you're waiting for a package, every car outside sounds like the UPS truck.
Before I die, I'd like to snorkel naked through the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyworld.
I don't know if I want to live in a country where Ohio is so important.
omg. Urban Dictionary just alerted me to the fact that an acronym for the War Against Terrorism is twat. Best. Friday. Ever.
I never feel truly thin until flies land on my face...
68 years ago today, heroes stormed beaches of Normandy. My mom was 3 yrs old when she lost her father on that beach. Grateful for his life.
Next time I dive in head first, I should make sure there's water.
A dead monkey, 2 liquor bottles, and a vacuum cleaner. Suitable way to start the weekend, I'd say.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.
Not sure what it means, but the town drunk just walked by my house, shaking his head at me...
Writer, Identical Twin, Former NFL Cheerleader & Snarkamist saying what your inner monologue wishes it could. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you