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  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Based on today's wardrobe, my favorite color is dog hair.

    • 242
    • FAVS
    hispanicmathman5secsofanficKittenWrittenUp2Long_watermxlonOpenClassMXmaxthatsall_Shells1
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    catastrophe_kidkatieboyce16VN_RubenUp2Long_Shells1courtspilmorejannable9fillthevacuum
    Up2Long
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I've lowered my bar so much, I just tripped on it.

    • 659
    • FAVS
    wordsartmagicvivaPalookasass_slingerhispanicmathmanMoodymimzyBwanaChriscrk1229__ItsAllCrazyToMe
    • 259
    • RETWEETS
    hispanicmathmanmatt102910_______ce_bearsmash_landingTlaxBoy05phil_mos__rumandrocksKittenWritten
    Northside_MikePoliticallyILL1captainashamedSteelFontana
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

    • 363
    • FAVS
    hispanicmathmanSailsman777jnellbgangrypumpkinssmash_landingBustherrNthenude29StoicPirate
    • 186
    • RETWEETS
    smash_landingNthenude29songparrotjessibamatkhan7432580beccakathyleecoffeycbme69
    nowarranty
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Don't grow up. It's a trap.

    • 1,009
    • FAVS
    sass_slingerhispanicmathmanPaperWashShashannaPrincecuntrystronggalChaitraSalianCallanish4fav_ly
    • 888
    • RETWEETS
    hispanicmathmanTMagolaaman226Meyerss___CallMeCidcuntrystronggalLamheyystaceyray86
    CelebrityChezAllyBallyBealTheRealDrToddIamEnidColeslawMasterOfFuryBrennanDurant____littlekitnerboyDavidOzmund
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    You never realize what you have until it's gone.

    Take toilet paper for example.

    • 125
    • FAVS
    hispanicmathmanlovemydogduckFor_KicksShellayaschantal_devoDeurb1taps0420WAYNES_O__________
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    JudgebigblacklovemydogduckYorickeVDeurb132580beccagen_8675309______rumandrocksUp2Long
    gigglegirlnoellucyworld1
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Star or RT. There's no reason to bring conversation into all this.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    lovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatmegbada__________myjamesonInanimateASLTTinaMavMisterBombaystangcobra
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckTwistdidMindRealMattGandeejamieramone
    jamieramone
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Him: I never meant to hurted you.
    Me: I never meant to date someone who doesn't know English.

    • 180
    • FAVS
    hispanicmathmanFor_Kicksheadway10Up2Longgoodersuk74______KariBKari13BobFoxx214Sirrruh
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    BobFoxx214ctrabs01143aminthemornjinkeejnrbtsn__________ApocalypseBnGRatchet7DonAshley_Rivers18
    squashguy15
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Laughter is the best medicine. Well, unless you just had your sinuses scraped and drained. Probably.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    lovemydogduckUnlucky_NinjathatstingsSonOfChaDallaniDogLovesWineCarpentersCrackmrt1m
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckSonOfChaDogLovesWineMyHairyLife______Scorpio1080
    MyHairyLife______
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Lindsay Lohan arrested.

    AND...we lob it back over to you, Amanda Bynes...

    • 36
    • FAVS
    DesireMalmgrenlovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatKalel0119FRANKSTALICIOUSLollyramzbkdcaseyvenomjunkie2
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckKalel0119LollyramzHelloOElaineLolaGLRPlaying_Dadmyaw731__kristengilma
    SpencerLenox
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Doctor: I'm afraid you have what's known as "children..."

    • 69
    • FAVS
    RamosOnTheRockswittywedmotherlovemydogduckHousewifeOfHellRing14Terrimetalmistress1kaylaahoffmanfullmoonmartini
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckstevendchambersdshack8JesssicleSammie1701SassyTexasGalSargaTeglaUtWheel_Gunner
    sarcazm2
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    When you're waiting for a package, every car outside sounds like the UPS truck.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    Jess_Is_JadedlovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatShipInTheKnightlawyerthoughtskayfroTweetingDadGuyEvilPandaX
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckRealMattGandeeLolaCanardHeyAmieShamrockCAGirl____joeyhuggles______RepeatRodeo______CanadianCyn
    GroverCollins
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Before I die, I'd like to snorkel naked through the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyworld.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    lovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatmoondogchuckTweetingDadGuyEvilPandaX_wangwegigglegirlnoelTerdoh____________
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckCourtingMadnessSteelFontanaPlaying_Dadkayfro
    SteelFontana
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I don't know if I want to live in a country where Ohio is so important.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    MasterOfFuryAlexisInATownlovemydogduckgregjwhitfieldJesssicleJVarsityCaptainLoveNLunchmeatLuke1am_2
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    LoveNLunchmeatlovemydogducklickmy_ellebowJesssiclesmallnpettypatLetLuvRulsarcasticleigh_SetTheHook_
    PlatinumShower____
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    omg. Urban Dictionary just alerted me to the fact that an acronym for the War Against Terrorism is twat. Best. Friday. Ever.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    lovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatdenim_daddy______andreikdeleonryanincodrunkNnaughtydivadilemmazCynicalLongkat
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckCynicalLongkatFunkyColdJiminaPerkyinfernoMomma_Colls______MizBlueBallsmattmanic
    mattmanic
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I never feel truly thin until flies land on my face...

    • 48
    • FAVS
    flopsiclelovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatAllyBallyBealShipInTheKnightiTomFooleryKatherineSoler1kayfro
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckwankeysweatertyrantasorusTilkyMittiesbucmachineSlayerSays________Schgot89
    captainashamed
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    68 years ago today, heroes stormed beaches of Normandy. My mom was 3 yrs old when she lost her father on that beach. Grateful for his life.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    lovemydogduckdrunkNnaughtyFredPollackJTQueststacibonbonkayte1017BrennanDurant____CleverRican______
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckCaptainObtuseRupRohRaggy______whollyjeanne
    CaptainObtuse
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Next time I dive in head first, I should make sure there's water.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    kootenaychickmisswhitemothlovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatJanDeBakkerella__fraserselknadrunkNnaughty
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckSirFlushaLotSumReecesPieces__The_SculptressBensonNHjoelebean
    joelebean
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    A dead monkey, 2 liquor bottles, and a vacuum cleaner. Suitable way to start the weekend, I'd say.

    • 41
    • FAVS
    AllyBallyBealShipInTheKnightkayfroJTQuestRabidElvis________JoanOfSnark9RupRohRaggy______Bumpy1276
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    1kueldadiheartguntshoneybadgerMelmanofbirdmikem57fuckmylife2hell
    fuckmylife2hell
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.

    • 480
    • FAVS
    wordsartmagicanitaluke13vivaPalookasass_slinger_KizzzyFavetelinguissUntouchableSheinventivegolf
    • 262
    • RETWEETS
    BeautifulOne__KizzzyUntouchableShehispanicmathmanLucraeBeatmwendwadennisiamMungaSteph38383
    partiallyproSteelFontana
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Not sure what it means, but the town drunk just walked by my house, shaking his head at me...

    • 286
    • FAVS
    hispanicmathmanMinionTrainerrumandrocksUp2LongSCOOPISMSNo_Title_Per_SeMrMrsNaughty1Qstnds4_Queen
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    rumandrocksUp2LongQstnds4_Queengoodersuk74______DGonzelezBobFoxx214LtFrankDrebbinSeanEmeny
    TheStarMachine
@SmithWit

@SmithWit
Pro

Writer, Identical Twin, Former NFL Cheerleader & Snarkamist saying what your inner monologue wishes it could. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you

Tweets from @SmithWit most recently awarded Tweet of the Day by Pro Members.