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  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Based on today's wardrobe, my favorite color is dog hair.

    • 246
    • LIKES
    JasonBanksComicthemarkclintonviolet_heartinmyglazedfacehispanicmathman5secsofanficKittenWrittenUp2Long
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    themarkclintoncatastrophe_kidkatieboyce18VN_RubenUp2Long_Shells1courtspilmorejannable9
    Up2Long
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I've lowered my bar so much, I just tripped on it.

    • 679
    • LIKES
    JasonBanksComicthemarkclintonviolet_heartinPounce_de_Lionlecapitankatiejpuncholonaive_nomore__thetristanblake
    • 272
    • RETWEETS
    violet_heartinDarkerJournaljacksotwisterjpuncholo1BornWildMrAssholeToYou__SavsterMiGreenMonk
    Northside_MikePoliticallyILL1marcusparkersolSteelFontana__
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

    • 386
    • LIKES
    JasonBanksComicjulie_mcwrightthemarkclintonviolet_heartinBWoWzer__lucy_nyholm123Ferbette4CRCavazos
    • 201
    • RETWEETS
    themarkclintonlucy_nyholm123jonathanrlearyFerbette4Red_ScootaSBStarbuckjennniibabybbyvelociraptor
    nowarranty
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Don't grow up. It's a trap.

    • 1,012
    • LIKES
    JasonBanksComiccassvincemyglazedfacesass_slingerhispanicmathmanPaperWashShashannaPrincecuntrystronggal__
    • 888
    • RETWEETS
    hispanicmathmanTMagolaaman226Meyerss___CallMeCidcuntrystronggal__Lamheyystaceyray86
    CelebrityChezAllyBallyBealTheRealDrToddIamEnidColeslawMasterOfFuryBrennanDurant____littlekitnerboyShcmoodles__
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    You never realize what you have until it's gone.

    Take toilet paper for example.

    • 136
    • LIKES
    naive_nomore__elmoscaresmenicopretorius12bearded_gandhi__SBStarbucktheflipgodFreyja127__VOL1212
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    AmaniderellaSandisiweBbbyvelociraptorBwanaChrisJudgebigblacklovemydogduckSatchiVDeurb1
    gigglegirlnoellucyworld1
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Star or RT. There's no reason to bring conversation into all this.

    • 24
    • LIKES
    lovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatmegbada__________myjamesonNeokitty69TinaMavMisterBombaystangcobra
    • 4
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    jamieramone
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Him: I never meant to hurted you.
    Me: I never meant to date someone who doesn't know English.

    • 181
    • LIKES
    myglazedfacehispanicmathmanFor_Kicksheadway10Up2Longgoodersuk74______ThreeCatNightsBobFoxx214
    • 41
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    BobFoxx214ctrabs01143aminthemornjinkeejnrbtsn__________ApocalypseBnGRatchet7DonAshley_Rivers18
    squashguy15
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Laughter is the best medicine. Well, unless you just had your sinuses scraped and drained. Probably.

    • 16
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    lovemydogduckUnlucky_NinjathatstingsSonOfChaDallaniDogLovesWineCarpentersCrackmrt1m
    • 5
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    lovemydogduckSonOfChaDogLovesWineMyHairyLife______Scorpio1080
    MyHairyLife______
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Lindsay Lohan arrested.

    AND...we lob it back over to you, Amanda Bynes...

    • 36
    • LIKES
    DesireMalmgrenlovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatKalel0119FRANKSTALICIOUSLollyramzbkdcaseyvenomjunkie2
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckKalel0119LollyramzHelloOElaineLolaGLRPlaying_Dadmyaw731kristengilmaa
    SpencerLenox
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Doctor: I'm afraid you have what's known as "children..."

    • 69
    • LIKES
    SuicideJimmywittywedmotherlovemydogduckHousewifeOfHellRing14Terrimetalmistress1kaylaahoffmanfullmoonmartini
    • 30
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    sarcazm2
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    When you're waiting for a package, every car outside sounds like the UPS truck.

    • 36
    • LIKES
    Jess_Is_JadedlovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatShipInTheKnightlawyerthoughtskayfroTweetingDadGuy__EvilPandaX
    • 9
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    GroverCollins
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Before I die, I'd like to snorkel naked through the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyworld.

    • 21
    • LIKES
    lovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatmoondogchuckTweetingDadGuy__EvilPandaX_wangwegigglegirlnoelTerdoh____________
    • 5
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    lovemydogduckCourtingMadnessSteelFontana__Playing_Dadkayfro
    SteelFontana__
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I don't know if I want to live in a country where Ohio is so important.

    • 114
    • LIKES
    MasterOfFuryAlexisInATownlovemydogduckgregjwhitfieldJesssicleJVarsityCaptainLoveNLunchmeatLuke1am_2
    • 40
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    PlatinumShower____
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    omg. Urban Dictionary just alerted me to the fact that an acronym for the War Against Terrorism is twat. Best. Friday. Ever.

    • 27
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    lovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatdenim_daddy______andreikdeleonryaninco__drunkNnaughtydivadilemmazCynicalLongkat
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckCynicalLongkatFunkyColdJiminaPerkyinfernoMomma_Colls______MizBlueBallsmattmanic
    mattmanic
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    I never feel truly thin until flies land on my face...

    • 48
    • LIKES
    flopsiclelovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatAllyBallyBealShipInTheKnightiTomFooleryKatherineSoler1kayfro
    • 7
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    marcusparkersol
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    68 years ago today, heroes stormed beaches of Normandy. My mom was 3 yrs old when she lost her father on that beach. Grateful for his life.

    • 27
    • LIKES
    lovemydogduckdrunkNnaughtyFredPollackJTQueststacibonbonkayte1017BrennanDurant____CleverRican______
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckCaptainObtuseRupRohRaggy______whollyjeanne
    CaptainObtuse
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Next time I dive in head first, I should make sure there's water.

    • 38
    • LIKES
    kootenaychickmisswhitemothlovemydogduckLoveNLunchmeatJanDeBakkerella__fraserselknadrunkNnaughty
    • 6
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    joelebean
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    A dead monkey, 2 liquor bottles, and a vacuum cleaner. Suitable way to start the weekend, I'd say.

    • 41
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    AllyBallyBealShipInTheKnightkayfroJTQuestRabidElvis________JoanOfSnark9RupRohRaggy______Bumpy1276
    • 6
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    1kueldadiheartguntshoneybadgerMelmanofbirdmikem57fuckmylife2hell
    fuckmylife2hell
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.

    • 485
    • LIKES
    logicinyourflawJasonBanksComicthemarkclintonviolet_heartinmyglazedfacewordsartmagicanitaluke13vivaPalooka
    • 265
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    logicinyourflawviolet_heartinAndrea__M___BeautifulOne__KizzzyUntouchableShe__hispanicmathmanLucraeBeat
    partiallyproSteelFontana__
  • SmithWit
      SmithWit @SmithWit

    Not sure what it means, but the town drunk just walked by my house, shaking his head at me...

    • 291
    • LIKES
    JasonBanksComicthemarkclintonXOSchitzoviolet_heartinmyglazedfacehispanicmathmanMinionTrainer__rumandrocks
    • 85
    • RETWEETS
    themarkclintonXOSchitzoviolet_heartinrumandrocksUp2LongQstnds4_Queen__goodersuk74______DGonzelez
    TheStarMachine
@SmithWit

@SmithWit

Writer, Identical Twin, NFL Cheer Alumni saying what your inner monologue wishes it could. Can't laugh at yourself? I'll do it for you. OC gal in the south.

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