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To keep people from stealing my food at work, I labeled it, "Fertilized Eggs." That worked for two weeks.
If you consistently have the same problem with multiple individuals, maybe you should explore something called the "common denominator".
Yo, person who has never changed his/her profile pic. Who do you think you are, an ICON??
When trying to throw a very persistent suitor off, stop at nothing. I told one today, "I eat poop," and the texts finally ceased. Whew.
Woah, I just said "camera phone." Hi, I'm 60 years old. Wheel of Fortune's on, can you pass the clicker.
Inside every 65 yr old man is a 45 yr old man. Standing in front of a woman, asking her to "kiss it." Remember that on Grandparent's Day.
Sometimes you wanna warn the next one. But then you think, "Naw, girl. You ride that crazy train."
I like commas so much that sometimes, during sex, I like to bend the penis to look like one, pause, and then pick up where I left off.
After these 9 espresso shots, I'll show you a cool trick where I fart and coffee comes out of my eyeballs.
Guys can joke around about our little love handles, but as soon as we mention the words "length" or "girth" no one's laughing anymore.
Almost just called my mom, my ex-boyfriend, the police. Anyway, it wasn't a mouse; it was a balloon in my closet slowly deflating.
If I learned anything at all from my last relationship, it's that you can't ride one single donkey on a journey around the world.
Each time I clicked "Unfollow" I whispered, "I don't NEED YOU." And it was very maniacal and I'm glad you weren't here to see that.
The whole sex-with-the-same-person-for-eternity thing is okay with me. It's the living-with-the-same-person-for-eternity that scares me.
How have I been? The same.
