7 YEAR OLD: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

ME: I haven't been glad in a long time, Nicholas. *lights cigarette* A long time.

Whenever I walk into a crowded bar, I feel like it's just a matter of time before someone talks shit on my dance crew. SICK OF THE DRAMA!!!

When someone starts telling me about how someone "pushes their buttons," I frantically scan their body in search of the one marked "mute."

I say "donuts," you say "doughnuts." Haha! We're fat.

If you wanna learn to rap in different languages, Flowzetta Stone is the only way to go.

Jennifer Aniston's definitely lookin older. She's still hot, but I'm glad I hit that shit when I did.

Just once, I'd like like to see my underwear turn the tables and ruin a burrito surpreme.

Lady cop said she pulled me over because she thought I was masturbating at a stop light. Thought? Or hoped, Officer Desperate?

Zombie movies are fun, until an undead titty pops out. I mean, I'll probably take a trip to jerk city, but I'll feel pretty weird about it.

You could feed a third world village on the turkey I eat WHILE making myself a sandwich.

Come on, rappers. White girls' vaginas could totally be called "tighty whiteys." After that, the song writes itself. Get to work.

Am I the only one that thinks getting "the silent treatment" is the best possible scenario?

What are the 5 stages of grief again? Denial, anger, and then just 3 stages of diarrhea, right? Guess I have grief.

Just had a kid in my neighborhood greet me by saying, "what it do?" Didn't know how to respond. "Well howdy-doo to YOU" seemed to work.

Twitter showing I have 0 followers. Universe balancing out. Somewhere an honest, good-hearted charity worker is balls deep in Eva Mendes.

For about a 3-year period in my early teens, I masturbated to Janet Jackson music videos as good as anyone's ever done anything in history.

I'd love to walk into a dinner party, glare at a stranger, & say, "What's HE doing here?" then spend all night crying in the powder room.

I support a woman's right to choose. I also don't feel like it's too late to crack open a jar of salsa, so whatever. I have opinions.

Does anybody sell brown toilets? Would really save on my cleaning costs.

My new doctor took one look at me and asked how many times a week I eat mashed potatoes. Damn, this guy's a fucking pro.