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I only accept subtweets with credit card numbers attached.
Dudeja vu - when the guy you're dating reminds you of your ex
Garth Brooks' new boxed set contains his old music, some new music, and is only available at Walmart, so there's 3 reasons to not buy it.
It would be nice to have a work from home day once in a while if you didn't have to make fries
whatever makes you look up
I'm the kinda G the little homies wanna be like
I feel like when I tweet on a streak people think I am manic or troubled. I'm actually calmly sitting here spilling garbage from my brain.
Honestly, any man who saw the double-pronged mucus-bubble I just blew would be hard-pressed to not immediately pop it with his tongue
Didn't think I'd be able to sleep but thought I'd at least try. Just woke up from a lovely 11-hour nap.
I HAVE MUSIC IN MY EARS
Peanuts are still good for you if they have m&m wrapped around them, yes?
this chick tricks her boyfriend by making his Wendy's burger knock on the door and talk to him in a lady voice, oh man I'm trying this
I suppose if you were a really bad maths teacher you could teach the class what perpenDICKular meant by showing them your erection
Lemme see what ya got. You can trust me.
I am the Michael Jordan of trying to be Michael Jordan.
Do you typically hear loud drums before being kidnapped?
I need a wine that pairs nicely with peanut butter and jelly.