I could never be with someone who doesn't love the world as much as I do. I hate everyone in it, but I've got mass respect fo that earth tho

Not entirely sure what I was thinking when I agreed to this.

Ugh I can't get laid cause I'm just too much of a nice guy

a tweet absolutely devoid of quality

a reciprocating saw for your grandmothers toenail claws. a hybrid electric ass hair sculpting fan. a mechanical wrestling princess.

Isle of Lucy is where all the loose eel balls end up.

Twitter jail for the third time this week. She's back.

I pressed random button on my iTunes, not blast from my tween years button.

Life is full of surprises! Because it ate all the surprises!

Jerking off a frozen poop until it cums diarrhea? Wow, that's a disgusting idea and I hope you feel horrible for even thinking about it

Hat party

Just kidding I never forget anything ever

Someday I'm going to grieve the frittering away of these days but for now I dunno, inexplicable mood trench?

Whenever I buy a comfortable pair of ugly shoes I'm reminded I used to walk 10 steps ahead of my dad as a kid. Because his socks showed.

That moment when you wake up and don't know if it's 8:30 am or 8:30 pm. Yeah, that.

Please god, tell me that's a pimple on my ass. I was looking for a reason. WHERE DID I HIDE THAT NOOSE??

When you're bantering with someone cause they're cute but it's like really not that funny but you keep going anyway

Did u know that u sneeze faster than the speed of that Kessel run joke?

When we 69, is your nose not right in my bhole?

Woke up at 4:00 a.m, raspberry ZOTS next to the alarm clock. Breakfast is so important. Who would know? It was like the "Perfect Storm."