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The sign says "Out of Order. Thank you for your cooperation." How am I cooperating? by not rioting? Now what do I do with this pitchfork?
Diet Tip: replace sugary sodas with refreshing Crystal Meth.
wait. what? Crystal Light? huh.
Well, at least the apartment got cleaned.
I realize I tweet a lot about work avoidance. But what else am I supposed to do with all the hours they make me show up in the office?
Hey, you know what lowers morale? not getting the invite to the party to raise morale.
Sometimes you meet someone & think "I bet he's a douche" Then they send you a message in 12pt comic sans, and then you KNOW.
Pro Tip: Avoid stuttering on the word "Dictate".
Related: No, boss, I did not call you a dick. That time.
Some nerd at work pretended he was driving a car as he turned left down the hallway. I hollered "you forgot your blinker, JACKASS!"
Gay man tells me he's never seen Beaches, hates showtunes, and drinks beer. Announces he's not good at gay stuff. His bf just nods sadly
Listen, people. It's Monday AND I'm on my period. So just hand over the Cheetos and the M&Ms and nobody will get hurt.
Obsessively refreshing your favrd page is the new waiting by the phone.
coworker named new baby first name that rhymes with her last name.
Can you give a wedgie with a diaper? She'll need to build up tolerance.
Man, I hate when you can't get a close parking spot and have to walk so far to the gym.
When a man emails a woman "dear sir", is it passive aggressive to respond "dear madam"?
or just awesome?
Got a splinter. Whined about it. My friend replies "oh my god, that is way worse than Haiti."
wow. one of us is a dick.
I'm trying to get fit. So instead of chips, I ate an apple.
And some chips.
When a dude with a busted bumper cuts you off - LET HIM!
Commercial Idea: Post coital lady looks disappointed. She reaches for a candy bar. Caption: "at least SNICKERS satisfies you!"
Dear Co-Worker, That amount of cologne does nothing to cover up the sour stink of last night's drunk. It does, however, make my eyes water.
The lock on the bathroom stall was sticky. There can never be enough soap. Considering amputation of the fingers that touched it.
Hoping for snappy wit, planning for snarky sass.
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