If I drink any more, I'll get loose enough to tell you all about the Aphrodisian Ridgeback, untamed humping slave dog of the Nile.

You guys are my favorite pillow to scream into.

Sorry about the preposition.

FUCK ME IN THE DEPRESSED, PITY-PARTYING, DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. GOD. DAMMIT.

Let's get wasted and a pie.

I am so bored with whatever you're talking about, whatever you said your name was.

I keep my nose clean in the professional arena by doing jogger blows on the people who piss me off.

Is Dexter for hire? I'll pay. http://t.co/NONV8RhT

@ahelvie Horn this way.

Sometimes making it to the second syllable in "coffee" feels downright impossible.

"I'm sorry, I guess your rain was just a little too… purple for me…"

How to break up with Prince

I can see my neighbor bustling about in her kitchen which means she's getting axed in T-minus 4 minutes.

@Adam_Kantor DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

I've drunk enough Corona to piss myself an ocean. Who's bringing the sand and the lawn chairs?

There's "bromance" and there's "homance," but what do you call tender feelings between two people who love each other?

Right. Doomed.

"You put your phone and your beer at opposite ends of the house--what do you do, asshole? WHAT DO YOU DO?"

--From "Speed, Homestyle."

The worst thing to say upon meeting me is, "I've seen how you eat in your car."

Somehow the rain made the dirt on my car sparkly and extra noticeable.

Early morning farts are personalized sleeper cells.

I just found this sandwich's g-spot.

This wine would taste better if my husband weren't saying, "Git 'er done," after every sip.