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My husband ripped a nasty, thick fart that got trapped in the cat's fur and now there’s a furry ball of fart running around.
Dropped my uncapped ChapStick on the bathroom floor. As it rolled it picked up one of my husband’s ginger pubes. Playing the lotto tomorrow.
I asked my husband, “What is it with men & boobs?”. He said, “What is it with humans & food?”. Fine……
It’s that time of year again when I play this little game called My Cold Feet on My Husband’s Warm Nut Sack.
I've never been more offended & appalled in my life. The nerve of some people. No, I don't want a fuckin' Fig Newton.
I just watched a man dig vigorously in his ass, then press the crosswalk button. Ladies & gentleman, that’s why there’s poop everywhere.
I’m certain this one employee of mine sticks the tampon in her asshole instead of her vagina and wonders why her panties are still bloody.
My male co-worker complimented me on the perfume I was wearing. I promptly told him, “I farted.”
Hotel problem of the day: 90 year old man complaining his balls hang in the toilet water while taking a crap. How's your day going?
A fly landed on my mouth & got stuck in the lip gloss. I shit my pants so hard, I gave myself a hemorrhoid.
My ginger husband & two ginger strangers all noticed one another at the same time, accompanied with a head nod. I now believe in 12/21/2012.
It’s ironic that I’ll be conducting a bloodborne pathogen training class today while I’m on my period.
Walmart is a gigantic Jerry Springer audition.
I’m watching Spring Breakers and if I hear James Franco say “spring breeaak” one more fucking time, I’m going to punch a baby.
I’m wearing my bubble wrap underwear today.
I made the mistake of wearing my hippie deodorant today instead of the industrial strength stuff. Now my pits smell like red onions.
I had a dream last night about nuclear spiders. Nuclear. Mutha. Fuckin’. Spiders.
Enough of the animal testing! Make the child sex traffickers disappear. Put them to some societal good use.
I just witnessed a redneck tell a group of Chinese people to “Shut up and go back to Japan!”. He then drove off in a Hyundai.
The most kind-hearted cunt you'll ever meet. Oh, and I love animals more than people.