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You know what goes great with a glass of wine?
Another glass of wine, silly.
Going to join Christian Mingle and find myself a good Jesus-lovin' lady. Then I'm going to tell her she's a bad lay and she turned me gay.
Twitter is not the place for inspirational quotes and life lessons. Its supposed to be for boob, dick, and poop jokes.
I may have to reconsider religion. If that Jesus character can turn water into wine- that sounds like a guy I could hang out with. #wwjd
Calm the fuck down, Los Angeles. It's only rain.
Worst day ever: my rental car does not have a rear view camera or heated seats. This must be how the unfortunate live.
Waking up at the beach is south better than not waking up at the beach.
After a month off to bond with my new baby boy, I have to go back to work tomorrow. Hope the baby will be okay in the crate with the dog.
It's fucking freezing outside! I can hardly even stay outside in my tank top. Southern California weather is the worst ever.
Do we really have 11 months and 21 days of Mayan jokes ahead of us? That's going to kill me.
Just so we are clear: I judge you on your profile picture.
Another glass of wine? That's a stupid question.
I received more happy birthday tweets this year than last year. I must be getting popularer.
Living the dream! My modern family, husband, father, friend, foodie, wino, and fanatical SF Giants and USC fan. #LGBT #Equality #FightOn #Howard #Bababooey