I would give literally anything to not have to go to work tonight. First born child? Take it! My soul? Who needs it? Sex stuff? I'm yours!

"If we see any mermaids I'm gonna ask them where their merginas are."

Spoiler alert: everyone on Facebook is fucking THRILLED that it's finally Friday.

At work watching the Lindsay Lohan trial online. Has it really come to this?

Dear hatefu Auburn Family members, you are misrepresenting our Creed. You're a disgrace to this university and to what we stand for.

Apparently ppl think they're gonna get around our closing hours by leaving all their shit here while they leave. I'll throw it away. Try me.

I will take what is mine with fire and blood.

Snooki is pregnant and engaged. Wtf is MY life?

I hate when ugly people are nice. It makes it harder to wish they were dead :(

Thought I saw Lindsay Lohan today. Its was a toilet bowl brush.

I mean @raquelbadgirl is definitely the most beautiful Bad Girl ever.

My quote of the day for @ann_burrr "She drinks stuff that would put hair on my grandfather's chest."

"As long as it isn't Troy, I'm fine with any Alabama team winning the national title." seen in the CNN comment section. #hahahahahaha #dead

My new favorite thing is the downfall of Amanda Bynes.

Do the people campaigning know that literally everyone hates them?

This COMP1000 class is a fucKING JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #WHYME?

"Michelle Obama is Vogue and Ann Romney is the Daily Penny Saver." #Dead

The Auburn Family is All In even in the darkest of hours. I believe in #Auburn and love it. War Eagle.

Deal with it.

Remember a long time ago when you actually had to pass all your tests to graduate? #NotInMyHometown