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  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Being hungover is like you're at a Nickelback concert and all the doors are locked.

    • 604
    • FAVS
    iGreenMonkiamporgyonume_AverageZebraISOremarkableJennifergr8di_anonymouslymcooper9122
    • 426
    • RETWEETS
    onume_GinnnnyyyyMileyWambuiDanboo67marcmarshall88LorraineMacobotheclownJennifergr8
    GingerGanderyellow__robot
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    I'm currently listening to "Nobody gives a fuck what I'm listening to" on Spotify.

    • 514
    • FAVS
    ISOremarkablestephanieonryetonywoodliefriyawasheaPhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8redvoodoo7
    • 225
    • RETWEETS
    stephanieonryePhoebetateBookishBunnyHarbinger_onePoonWhisperer1stillbakedyotkhan74mahatmatweeter
    lvvzzgreggified________
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar. Four dead, 11 injured.

    • 282
    • FAVS
    ISOremarkablewhatkylasaidWalkThisJaiBadMikeyBadGRINGOmeTACOyourwifesBFFJay16282Phoebetate
    • 289
    • RETWEETS
    BadMikeyBadsmmrwc3AineAnisaJay16282PhoebetateJerrySorrentinolouise_vuittonbenittto5
    ratamack
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Los Angeles. Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

    • 313
    • FAVS
    JulesJuliettaJennifergr8Davidtex7PhoebetateIlliter8BookishBunnyloribuckmajorCrissyFlorencia
    • 192
    • RETWEETS
    drewMaggzzomwansiredwin_kiproBourbonShotDownFrontArtistloofranchotJulesJuliettaJennifergr8
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It sucks when you're happy and you know it, but you can't clap your hands due to rheumatoid arthritis.

    • 247
    • FAVS
    ISOremarkableFunkMasterChubzPhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8JohnnyBeGooodddMagnificentTrolBookishBunny
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    BookishBunnylouise_vuitton1989pratikSilver_Cloud_9Harbinger_oneMedicinalMAMIharry_SJmahatmatweeter
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Most of the states which allow medical marijuana, you wouldn't want to live in them without it.

    • 256
    • FAVS
    Phoebetatezrt12330JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8stevenmichailerikwillEmilynotEmmyBookishBunny
    • 123
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar250BookishBunny1KelliBellewhore_donutHarbinger_oneRueBarb_mahatmatweetergonzohostility
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Always an optimist, I like to view my bank account as half full (even though it's currently overdrawn)

    • 235
    • FAVS
    ISOremarkableGoodGirlByNightPhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuTySmithdrumsKccoIndyAmedicusHowellStorybookBlonde
    • 102
    • RETWEETS
    PhoebetateAmedicusHowellCasulloRoccojayceebrownbookpenneyfiveBookishBunny1KelliBelleHarbinger_one
    MarkusVonOben__
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Pitch to Hollywood: The Three Musketeers but they're vampires -- wait, all female vampires ... in 3D. Wait -- the town has banned dancing.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    ISOremarkablePhoebetateLousyBastardIlliter8VividJamerBookishBunnyLovestruckLaylaCrissyFlorencia
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    LousyBastardLeafTheMightyIlliter8BookishBunnyAmelia_DrawsHarbinger_oneAthenaMystiquePaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Asked Siri why she keeps ignoring me. She finally said it's because I don't have an iPhone 4S and suggested I stop speaking into my iPod.

    • 219
    • FAVS
    PhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8BookishBunnyParkerlawyerroneejaexo1KelliBelleCrissyFlorencia
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    TXTMEILUVU1KelliBelledmutaticrikeypantsSweet_Leafs_One_FineMessAthenaMystiquePaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    You idiot! If you "just died in her arms tonight," OF COURSE it was something you said. You should have walked away.

    • 180
    • FAVS
    onume_PhoebetateIlliter8BookishBunnyLivibelsDadajunkyardiganOGSashaLovestruckLayla
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    smokesignals2LivibelsDadaOGSasha1KelliBellescreammsayonaraCrissyFlorenciacynic98One_FineMess
    OmarKhanNY
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Stop interviewing the jockey! Talk to the horse.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    PanicRestroomPhoebetateIlliter8BookishBunnycaptaincoximusjoeljeffrey1KelliBelleCrissyFlorencia
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    1KelliBelleOne_FineMessKostandinia______FoxyBiProxy______PaperWashsuz1973luqbitchikerYoyocobra69
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    If you're white and have ever said the words, "make it rain up in here" and you're not a weatherman, you need to stop it immediately.

    • 152
    • FAVS
    ShaeAaronJay16282tonywoodliefPhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8LetsGoDoyersBookishBunny
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    PhoebetatelynnbriannaxoLengsanity1BookishBunny1KelliBelleOne_FineMessedorod77__ImABaconDonut
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    The worst part about claiming Justin Bieber violently assaulted you is admitting you lost a fight with Justin Bieber.

    • 141
    • FAVS
    ShaeAaronSarahCaliseShrewdSimianTyner28mdhiggins78tonywoodliefPhoebetateJumpOnMyTutu
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    Tyner28mdhiggins78PhoebetateSameerahDollThisIsntJetjoshiakshay1990CannabisWTFthe_couch_guy____
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It can only be assumed that Russell Brand's crotch smells like the inside a 99¢ Only store.

    • 136
    • FAVS
    ShaeAaronPhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8BookishBunnyLovestruckLaylaCrissyFlorenciaPhoenixRises69
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    PhoebetateBookishBunnyPaperWashSickayduhCareyDavis1Jenny4ashleynaughtygeisha3dietcoke78
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Porn star Jenna Jameson gets DUI after hitting pole. Shocking because, of all people, she should know how to work the pole ...

    • 105
    • FAVS
    PhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8CrissyFlorenciaTimmyPumpkinOne_FineMessImABaconDonutRobbi123
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    MichaeldeSoetfavstar1000favsAthenaMystiquearmyantstudiosthebarackosamamahatmatweeterPaperWashSickayduh
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Closing ceremonies end with a glimpse of Brazil, which will host the Olympic games in 2016 and will be broadcast on NBC in 2018.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    PhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8CrissyFlorenciaTimmyPumpkintoriablebreatheandlovemahatmatweeter
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    PaperWashJenny4ashleyChest_RocwellRyanAndrewMitchFavstar500Favsmrtruthandsoulheidi420xlovemydogduck
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    High school kid asks porn stars to prom on Twitter, gets two to say yes. Now comes the difficulty, having to tell one she's his fluffer.

    • 105
    • FAVS
    SassMcGrass22PhoebetateJumpOnMyTutuIlliter8VerifiedDrunkcaperbc75TimmyPumpkinImABaconDonut
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsmahatmatweeterPaperWashSamuraiJ11SickayduhJenny4ashley_Mukundi_mrtruthandsoul
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Congratulations to Tiger Woods! Also to those lucky bitches in the Orlando area, about to feel what 13 strokes under par feels like.

    • 82
    • FAVS
    SassMcGrass22PhoebetateIlliter8TimmyPumpkintoriableLittlestSlobo_wangwearmyantstudios
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    armyantstudiosmahatmatweeterPaperWashJenny4ashleymrtruthandsoulmarissa_marazzi__ABHISHEK_RMCFheidi420x
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    We tap the same maple trees every year, but did something different this time and the sap's running so great, this one tree's a squirter.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    Illiter8TimmyPumpkinImABaconDonuttoriablebreatheandloveLittlestSloboJeffreyTPBrown_wangwe
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    ImABaconDonutarmyantstudiosmahatmatweeterSickayduhJenny4ashleyrklingsmithjrmlccmmrtruthandsoul
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Mayor Bloomberg confirms, had Iraq war heros also won the Super Bowl, he would have thrown a parade for them too.

    • 75
    • FAVS
    Illiter8CrissyFlorenciaTimmyPumpkinImABaconDonuttoriablebreatheandlovemahatmatweeterPaperWash
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    PaperWashSickayduhJenny4ashleyabs_tellthetalemrtruthandsoulLookNAtItABHISHEK_RMCFheidi420x
@SoapyJohnson

@SoapyJohnson

Writer, Place it on Lucky Dan. I let Jesus take the wheel and it looks like he's driving me to the liquor store again ... http://t.co/3jHQ1d7yWS.