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  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Being hungover is like you're at a Nickelback concert and all the doors are locked.

    • 612
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioPatWallacelilgapeach32__BostonAccent79undonestarTracyL66barfolishusRealJinjaNinja
    • 431
    • RETWEETS
    lilgapeach32__NIKKIDIAMONDS80BostonAccent79TracyL66RealJinjaNinjaonume_GinnnnyyyyMileyWambui
    GingerGanderyellow__robot
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    I'm currently listening to "Nobody gives a fuck what I'm listening to" on Spotify.

    • 520
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22PatWallaceDearAbbySimonlilgapeach32__TracyL66RealJinjaNinjaISOremarkablestephanieonrye____
    • 228
    • RETWEETS
    TracyL66iamgurpRealJinjaNinjastephanieonrye____Phoebetate__BookishBunnyHarbinger_oneFlexsteelrod
    lvvzzgreggified________
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar. Four dead, 11 injured.

    • 287
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22aliole05lilgapeach32__BostonAccent79RealJinjaNinjaISOremarkablewhatkylasaidWalkThisJai
    • 292
    • RETWEETS
    lilgapeach32__BostonAccent79RealJinjaNinjaBadMikeyBadsmmrwc3AineAnisa__Jay16282Phoebetate__
    ratamack
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Los Angeles. Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

    • 328
    • FAVS
    None4MeThanxSteveKoehler22onascaleof1210AndyAsAdjectiveHarringtonkentms_tigertaleArbitralrayyyych
    • 204
    • RETWEETS
    None4MeThanxSteveKoehler22onascaleof1210rayyyychGoodcleanlivingJohnLyonTweetsdavesalois__lilgapeach32__
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It sucks when you're happy and you know it, but you can't clap your hands due to rheumatoid arthritis.

    • 254
    • FAVS
    DearAbbySimonaliole05BostonAccent79CityNutsackbarfolishusJaniceLReadRealJinjaNinjaISOremarkable
    • 139
    • RETWEETS
    davesalois__DearAbbySimonBostonAccent79benittto11Favstar250__RealJinjaNinjaBookishBunnylouise_vuitton
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Most of the states which allow medical marijuana, you wouldn't want to live in them without it.

    • 261
    • FAVS
    heatlebjornTruculent67DearAbbySimonLovelyMissViViRealJinjaNinjaPhoebetate__zrt12330JumpOnMyTutu__
    • 128
    • RETWEETS
    Truculent67venomjunkie2TehmashKhaniamgurpRealJinjaNinjaFavstar250__BookishBunny1KelliBelle
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Always an optimist, I like to view my bank account as half full (even though it's currently overdrawn)

    • 239
    • FAVS
    BostonAccent79CityNutsackabbbsterrrsRealJinjaNinjaISOremarkableVanillaRoadsPhoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu__
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    BostonAccent79TehmashKhaniamgurpRealJinjaNinjaPhoebetate__AmedicusHowellCasulloRoccojayceebrownbook
    MarkusVonOben__
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Pitch to Hollywood: The Three Musketeers but they're vampires -- wait, all female vampires ... in 3D. Wait -- the town has banned dancing.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22ISOremarkablePhoebetate__LousyBastardIlliter8__________VividJamerBookishBunnyLovestruckLayla
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    LousyBastardLeafTheMightyIlliter8__________BookishBunnyAmelia_DrawsHarbinger_oneAthenaMystiquePaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Asked Siri why she keeps ignoring me. She finally said it's because I don't have an iPhone 4S and suggested I stop speaking into my iPod.

    • 220
    • FAVS
    DearAbbySimonPhoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu__Illiter8__________BookishBunnyParkerlawyerroneejaexo1KelliBelle
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    TOEACHHISPHONE1KelliBelledmutaticrikeypantsSour_World__One_FineMessAthenaMystiquePaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    You idiot! If you "just died in her arms tonight," OF COURSE it was something you said. You should have walked away.

    • 181
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    BostonAccent79onume_Phoebetate__Illiter8__________BookishBunnyLivibelsDadajunkyardiganOGSasha
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    BostonAccent79smokesignals2LivibelsDadaOGSasha1KelliBellescreammsayonaraCrissyFlorencia__cynic98
    OmarKhanNY
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Stop interviewing the jockey! Talk to the horse.

    • 187
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    pandonenchevBostonAccent79PanicRestroomPhoebetate__Illiter8__________BookishBunnycaptaincoximusjoeljeffrey
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    pandonenchevBostonAccent791KelliBelleOne_FineMessKostandinia______FoxyBiProxy______PaperWashs7u3z__
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    If you're white and have ever said the words, "make it rain up in here" and you're not a weatherman, you need to stop it immediately.

    • 153
    • FAVS
    BostonAccent79ShaeAaronJay16282tonywoodliefPhoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu__Illiter8__________LoveMyScionFRS
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    BostonAccent79Phoebetate__lynnbriannaxoLengsanity1BookishBunny1KelliBelleOne_FineMessedorod77__________
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    The worst part about claiming Justin Bieber violently assaulted you is admitting you lost a fight with Justin Bieber.

    • 144
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22shutupmacBostonAccent79ShaeAaronSarahCaliseShrewdSimianTyner28__mdhiggins78
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    shutupmacBostonAccent79Tyner28__mdhiggins78Phoebetate__SameerahDollThisIsntJetdublo_thejakaal
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It can only be assumed that Russell Brand's crotch smells like the inside a 99¢ Only store.

    • 137
    • FAVS
    BostonAccent79ShaeAaronPhoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu__Illiter8__________BookishBunnyLovestruckLaylaCrissyFlorencia__
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    BostonAccent79Phoebetate__BookishBunnyPaperWashSickayduhCareyDavis1Jenny4ashleyPineapple_Cake_
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Porn star Jenna Jameson gets DUI after hitting pole. Shocking because, of all people, she should know how to work the pole ...

    • 106
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    BostonAccent79Phoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu__Illiter8__________CrissyFlorencia__TimmyPumpkinOne_FineMessImABaconDonut
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    BostonAccent79MichaeldeSoetfavstar1000favsAthenaMystiquearmyantstudiosthebarackosamamahatmatweeterPaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Closing ceremonies end with a glimpse of Brazil, which will host the Olympic games in 2016 and will be broadcast on NBC in 2018.

    • 69
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    Phoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu__Illiter8__________CrissyFlorencia__TimmyPumpkinjayneunchained____breatheandlovemahatmatweeter
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    PaperWashJenny4ashleyChest_RocwellRyanAndrewMitchFavstar500Favsmrtruthandsoulheidi420xlovemydogduck
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    High school kid asks porn stars to prom on Twitter, gets two to say yes. Now comes the difficulty, having to tell one she's his fluffer.

    • 106
    • FAVS
    BostonAccent79SassMcGrass22Phoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu__Illiter8__________VerifiedDrunkcaperbc75TimmyPumpkin
    • 23
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    BostonAccent79favstar1000favsmahatmatweeterPaperWashSamuraiJ11SickayduhJenny4ashley_Mukundi_
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Congratulations to Tiger Woods! Also to those lucky bitches in the Orlando area, about to feel what 13 strokes under par feels like.

    • 82
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    SassMcGrass22Phoebetate__Illiter8__________TimmyPumpkinjayneunchained____Littlest_Slobo_wangwearmyantstudios
    • 24
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    armyantstudiosmahatmatweeterPaperWashJenny4ashleymrtruthandsoulmarissa_marazzi__whatupbiyatchhheidi420x
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Mayor Bloomberg confirms, had Iraq war heros also won the Super Bowl, he would have thrown a parade for them too.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    BostonAccent79Illiter8__________CrissyFlorencia__TimmyPumpkinImABaconDonutjayneunchained____breatheandlovemahatmatweeter
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    BostonAccent79PaperWashSickayduhJenny4ashleyabs_tellthetalemrtruthandsoulLookNAtItwhatupbiyatchh
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    We tap the same maple trees every year, but did something different this time and the sap's running so great, this one tree's a squirter.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    Illiter8__________TimmyPumpkinImABaconDonutjayneunchained____breatheandloveLittlest_SloboJeffreyTPBrown_wangwe
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    ImABaconDonutarmyantstudiosmahatmatweeterSickayduhJenny4ashleyrklingsmithjrmlccmmrtruthandsoul
@SoapyJohnson

@SoapyJohnson

Writer, Place it on Lucky Dan. I let Jesus take the wheel and it looks like he's driving me to the liquor store again ... http://favstar.fm/users/SoapyJohnson.

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