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  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    I'm currently listening to "Nobody gives a fuck what I'm listening to" on Spotify.

    • 211
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedICountBeanssTheGladStorkRenwick13Kit_Kat0108CheryeDavisLoKarloRTHacknSpray
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    lynnsnyder1968TurnUpTheNoizeCheryeDavisdemented_Ashevhenjodaemonic3CatLitterGirlfizzlestothetop
    lvvzzgreggified
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Being hungover is like you're at a Nickelback concert and all the doors are locked.

    • 159
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedMarioTimeTeejayRushsuzieQ0007CheryeDavisdemented_Ashdaemonic3mydmac
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    utweettoomuchTeejayRushMyRoadToHeavensuzieQ0007haileywengert22CheryeDavisdaemonic3Bocafanboy
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It sucks when you're happy and you know it, but you can't clap your hands due to rheumatoid arthritis.

    • 115
    • FAVS
    craydrienneefasheefaaGetCougarizedundrcovr_angelbengilmersuzieQ0007linzcaseAbusitron
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    GetCougarizedTeejayRushMyRoadToHeavenlinzcaseTurnUpTheNoizeCheryeDavisdaemonic3demented_Ash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Most of the states which allow medical marijuana, you wouldn't want to live in them without it.

    • 107
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedutweettoomuchTonyHaines78PriceCheck64CheryeDavisdemented_Ashdaemonic3mydmac
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    JaimeTraversTonyHaines78lynnsnyder1968vshark500MyRoadToHeavenOludara_CheryeDavisdaemonic3
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Los Angeles. Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

    • 104
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedCheryeDavisNeed2KnowDotComdiggity_dustindemented_Ashvaqueropantskelkulusdaemonic3
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    favstar100FUNNAGANdaemonic3sassyteressaBoleyngirlyRobusVaderKindOfASmartassHauteNsaucy
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Always an optimist, I like to view my bank account as half full (even though it's currently overdrawn)

    • 102
    • FAVS
    GetongadriftwtmeServetheTruthViciousEnforcerTHEPokerWifeGetCougarizedLyssAnthropeundrcovr_angel
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    Getongadriftwtmefavstar100GetCougarizedMartha_BBJBAOludara_HeartGearsCheryeDavis
    MarkusVonOben
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Asked Siri why she keeps ignoring me. She finally said it's because I don't have an iPhone 4S and suggested I stop speaking into my iPod.

    • 83
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedCheryeDavisFlashShumway_wangweLoKarloRTHacknSprayHattieBizzledemented_Ash
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    andy_kerryOludara_CheryeDavisdaemonic3demented_AshMyNameRightJohnBalashKindOfASmartass
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Stop interviewing the jockey! Talk to the horse.

    • 80
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedundrcovr_angelCheryeDavisNeed2KnowDotComdemented_Ashdaemonic3mydmacbella_vaniii
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushCheryeDavisdaemonic3shimawazauKindOfASmartassCatLitterGirlOrthoTDSticeAlldritty
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Pitch to Hollywood: The Three Musketeers but they're vampires -- wait, all female vampires ... in 3D. Wait -- the town has banned dancing.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    CheryeDavisdemented_AshFuzzyPimpledaemonic3mydmacKindOfASmartassCatLitterGirlrawdogsrevenge
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    daemonic3CatLitterGirlrawdogsrevengechriscroctearsAquaOfficialFancabosteve777Edwin_GravesBearslietoo
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Closing ceremonies end with a glimpse of Brazil, which will host the Olympic games in 2016 and will be broadcast on NBC in 2018.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    CheryeDavisdaemonic3mydmacCatLitterGirlchriscroctearsllvvzzmeaganbb1Lisa_Laughs_
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    CatLitterGirlilovepie84SaraESpiveymillalopesglne77straadinrei_cLandonLane1
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    If you're white and have ever said the words, "make it rain up in here" and you're not a weatherman, you need to stop it immediately.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedTwistedSWFLyssAnthropedisastrous007CheryeDavisdaemonic3mydmacCatLitterGirl
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    Martha_BBJBAWaveGoWafavstar50TeejayRushFitGrlitsSveaCheryeDavisshawnnapier2
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    You idiot! If you "just died in her arms tonight," OF COURSE it was something you said. You should have walked away.

    • 41
    • FAVS
    GetCougarizedcecilymacleodCheryeDavisdemented_Ashdaemonic3mydmacSmurfettudeheadstrong_girl
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    MixailovichFitGrlCheryeDavisChanellie92headstrong_girlVikeeysSecretJuddleyBHamblen
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It can only be assumed that Russell Brand's crotch smells like the inside a 99¢ Only store.

    • 55
    • FAVS
    CheryeDavisdemented_Ashdaemonic3mydmacCatLitterGirlchriscroctearsllvvzzmeaganbb1
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    CatLitterGirlfavstar50chriscroctearsSaraESpiveymellimelleMidgetsparTH14DB10vexing1
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Porn star Jenna Jameson gets DUI after hitting pole. Shocking because, of all people, she should know how to work the pole ...

    • 43
    • FAVS
    CheryeDavisMaddasonnHollywoodCrabFuzzyPimpledaemonic3mydmacVikeeysSecretemsykay
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    Maddasonndaemonic3CatLitterGirlSaraESpiveylacrossemom5jwcprnmellimelleChristinaUSMC
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    The worst part about claiming Justin Bieber violently assaulted you is admitting you lost a fight with Justin Bieber.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    HallJ0410CheryeDavisdaemonic3mydmacemsykayCatLitterGirlOtisPdQGOR_JESS21
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushCheryeDavisCatLitterGirlplesserrulesCackleClubCynfulCyndiMidgetsparSaraESpivey
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    High school kid asks porn stars to prom on Twitter, gets two to say yes. Now comes the difficulty, having to tell one she's his fluffer.

    • 46
    • FAVS
    atanenhausdemented_AshBlACk__ThRoaTecampo12PortRoosterFuzzyPimpleHollywoodCrabdaemonic3
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    PortRoosterdaemonic3CatLitterGirlMoHawkMarSaraESpiveymellimelleAh_kee_ohEvilPandaX
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Congratulations to Tiger Woods! Also to those lucky bitches in the Orlando area, about to feel what 13 strokes under par feels like.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    demented_Ashdaemonic3cervixsmashxLadyRainicornxCatLitterGirlllvvzzmeaganbb1Bearslietoo
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    xLadyRainicornxCatLitterGirlSaraESpiveyxGingerAvengerDinoF24MyMonkeyTouchgorrdanoAh_kee_oh
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Mayor Bloomberg confirms, had Iraq war heros also won the Super Bowl, he would have thrown a parade for them too.

    • 35
    • FAVS
    daemonic3mydmacxLadyRainicornxCatLitterGirlllvvzzmeaganbb1Bearslietookelkulus
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    CatLitterGirlmisplacatedSaraESpiveyMidgetsparLazerPunchericjosepirabidbadger
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Michael Vick leaves game, coughing up blood. The Philadelphia Eagles should make the hard choice and put Vick down ... http://t.co/Le0X7O9c

    • 25
    • FAVS
    daemonic3LonelyDementorCatLitterGirlchriscroctearsllvvzzBearslietooRCope48SaraESpivey
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    LonelyDementorCatLitterGirlSaraESpiveyAh_kee_ohfavstar_popj_lindleyTheRealsDeal13wild_wil2006
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    We tap the same maple trees every year, but did something different this time and the sap's running so great, this one tree's a squirter.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    daemonic3mydmacVikeeysSecretCatLitterGirlchriscroctearsllvvzzBearslietooSaraESpivey
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    CatLitterGirlMoHawkMarSaraESpiveygreggified
@SoapyJohnson

@SoapyJohnson
Pro

Writer/creator, Place it on Lucky Dan. Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off and wishing there were a faster way to type that.