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  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Being hungover is like you're at a Nickelback concert and all the doors are locked.

    • 610
    • FAVS
    lilgapeach32wmorrissey79undonestarTracyL66barfolishusRealJinjaNinjaiGreenMonkiamporgy
    • 431
    • RETWEETS
    lilgapeach32NIKKIDIAMONDS80wmorrissey79TracyL66RealJinjaNinjaonume_GinnnnyyyyMileyWambui
    GingerGanderyellow__robot
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    I'm currently listening to "Nobody gives a fuck what I'm listening to" on Spotify.

    • 517
    • FAVS
    lilgapeach32TracyL66RealJinjaNinjaISOremarkablestephanieonrye____tonywoodliefriyawasheaPhoebetate__
    • 228
    • RETWEETS
    TracyL66iamgurpRealJinjaNinjastephanieonrye____Phoebetate__BookishBunnyHarbinger_oneFlexsteelrod
    lvvzzgreggified________
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar. Four dead, 11 injured.

    • 286
    • FAVS
    aliole05lilgapeach32wmorrissey79RealJinjaNinjaISOremarkablewhatkylasaidWalkThisJaiBadMikeyBad
    • 292
    • RETWEETS
    lilgapeach32wmorrissey79RealJinjaNinjaBadMikeyBadsmmrwc3AineAnisa__Jay16282Phoebetate__
    ratamack
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Los Angeles. Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

    • 317
    • FAVS
    lilgapeach32wmorrissey79CityNutsackRealJinjaNinjaJulesJuliettaJennifergr8Davidtex7Phoebetate__
    • 197
    • RETWEETS
    lilgapeach32wmorrissey79TehmashKhanTracyL66RealJinjaNinjadrewMaggzzomwansiredvv1n_
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It sucks when you're happy and you know it, but you can't clap your hands due to rheumatoid arthritis.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    aliole05wmorrissey79CityNutsackbarfolishusJaniceLReadRealJinjaNinjaISOremarkableFunkMasterChubz
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79benittto11Favstar250RealJinjaNinjaBookishBunnylouise_vuitton1989pratikSilver_Cloud_9
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Most of the states which allow medical marijuana, you wouldn't want to live in them without it.

    • 258
    • FAVS
    LovelyMissViViRealJinjaNinjaPhoebetate__zrt12330JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8__________egyptianstevenerikwill
    • 126
    • RETWEETS
    TehmashKhaniamgurpRealJinjaNinjaFavstar250BookishBunny1KelliBellewhore_donutHarbinger_one
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Always an optimist, I like to view my bank account as half full (even though it's currently overdrawn)

    • 239
    • FAVS
    wmorrissey79CityNutsackabbbsterrrsRealJinjaNinjaISOremarkableVanillaRoadsPhoebetate__JumpOnMyTutu
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79TehmashKhaniamgurpRealJinjaNinjaPhoebetate__AmedicusHowellCasulloRoccojayceebrownbook
    MarkusVonOben__
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Pitch to Hollywood: The Three Musketeers but they're vampires -- wait, all female vampires ... in 3D. Wait -- the town has banned dancing.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    ISOremarkablePhoebetate__LousyBastardIlliter8__________VividJamerBookishBunnyLovestruckLaylaCrissyFlorencia
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    LousyBastardLeafTheMightyIlliter8__________BookishBunnyAmelia_DrawsHarbinger_oneAthenaMystiquePaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Asked Siri why she keeps ignoring me. She finally said it's because I don't have an iPhone 4S and suggested I stop speaking into my iPod.

    • 219
    • FAVS
    Phoebetate__JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8__________BookishBunnyParkerlawyerroneejaexo1KelliBelleCrissyFlorencia
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    2EACHHISPHONE1KelliBelledmutaticrikeypantsSour_World__One_FineMessAthenaMystiquePaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    You idiot! If you "just died in her arms tonight," OF COURSE it was something you said. You should have walked away.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    wmorrissey79onume_Phoebetate__Illiter8__________BookishBunnyLivibelsDadajunkyardiganOGSasha
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79smokesignals2LivibelsDadaOGSasha1KelliBellescreammsayonaraCrissyFlorenciacynic98
    OmarKhanNY
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Stop interviewing the jockey! Talk to the horse.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    pandonenchevwmorrissey79PanicRestroomPhoebetate__Illiter8__________BookishBunnycaptaincoximusjoeljeffrey
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    pandonenchevwmorrissey791KelliBelleOne_FineMessKostandinia______FoxyBiProxy______PaperWashs7u3z
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    If you're white and have ever said the words, "make it rain up in here" and you're not a weatherman, you need to stop it immediately.

    • 153
    • FAVS
    wmorrissey79ShaeAaronJay16282tonywoodliefPhoebetate__JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8__________LetsGoDoyers
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79Phoebetate__lynnbriannaxoLengsanity1BookishBunny1KelliBelleOne_FineMessedorod77__________
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    The worst part about claiming Justin Bieber violently assaulted you is admitting you lost a fight with Justin Bieber.

    • 143
    • FAVS
    johnnymac_19wmorrissey79ShaeAaronSarahCaliseShrewdSimianTyner28mdhiggins78tonywoodlief
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    johnnymac_19wmorrissey79Tyner28mdhiggins78Phoebetate__SameerahDollThisIsntJetjoshiakshay1990
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    It can only be assumed that Russell Brand's crotch smells like the inside a 99¢ Only store.

    • 137
    • FAVS
    wmorrissey79ShaeAaronPhoebetate__JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8__________BookishBunnyLovestruckLaylaCrissyFlorencia
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79Phoebetate__BookishBunnyPaperWashSickayduhCareyDavis1Jenny4ashleynaughtygeisha3
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Porn star Jenna Jameson gets DUI after hitting pole. Shocking because, of all people, she should know how to work the pole ...

    • 106
    • FAVS
    wmorrissey79Phoebetate__JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8__________CrissyFlorenciaTimmyPumpkinOne_FineMessImABaconDonut
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79MichaeldeSoetfavstar1000favsAthenaMystiquearmyantstudiosthebarackosamamahatmatweeterPaperWash
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Closing ceremonies end with a glimpse of Brazil, which will host the Olympic games in 2016 and will be broadcast on NBC in 2018.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    Phoebetate__JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8__________CrissyFlorenciaTimmyPumpkinjayneunchained____breatheandlovemahatmatweeter
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    PaperWashJenny4ashleyChest_RocwellRyanAndrewMitchFavstar500Favsmrtruthandsoulheidi420xlovemydogduck
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    High school kid asks porn stars to prom on Twitter, gets two to say yes. Now comes the difficulty, having to tell one she's his fluffer.

    • 106
    • FAVS
    wmorrissey79SassMcGrass22Phoebetate__JumpOnMyTutuIlliter8__________VerifiedDrunkcaperbc75TimmyPumpkin
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79favstar1000favsmahatmatweeterPaperWashSamuraiJ11SickayduhJenny4ashley_Mukundi_
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Congratulations to Tiger Woods! Also to those lucky bitches in the Orlando area, about to feel what 13 strokes under par feels like.

    • 82
    • FAVS
    SassMcGrass22Phoebetate__Illiter8__________TimmyPumpkinjayneunchained____LittlestSlobo_wangwearmyantstudios
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    armyantstudiosmahatmatweeterPaperWashJenny4ashleymrtruthandsoulmarissa_marazzi__ABHISHEK_RMCFheidi420x
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    Mayor Bloomberg confirms, had Iraq war heros also won the Super Bowl, he would have thrown a parade for them too.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    wmorrissey79Illiter8__________CrissyFlorenciaTimmyPumpkinImABaconDonutjayneunchained____breatheandlovemahatmatweeter
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    wmorrissey79PaperWashSickayduhJenny4ashleyabs_tellthetalemrtruthandsoulLookNAtItABHISHEK_RMCF
  • SoapyJohnson
      Dirk Dachs @SoapyJohnson

    We tap the same maple trees every year, but did something different this time and the sap's running so great, this one tree's a squirter.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    Illiter8__________TimmyPumpkinImABaconDonutjayneunchained____breatheandloveLittlestSloboJeffreyTPBrown_wangwe
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    ImABaconDonutarmyantstudiosmahatmatweeterSickayduhJenny4ashleyrklingsmithjrmlccmmrtruthandsoul
@SoapyJohnson

@SoapyJohnson

Writer, Place it on Lucky Dan. I let Jesus take the wheel and it looks like he's driving me to the liquor store again ... http://t.co/3jHQ1d7yWS.