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Being hungover is like you're at a Nickelback concert and all the doors are locked.
I'm currently listening to "Nobody gives a fuck what I'm listening to" on Spotify.
Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar. Four dead, 11 injured.
Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Los Angeles. Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.
It sucks when you're happy and you know it, but you can't clap your hands due to rheumatoid arthritis.
Most of the states which allow medical marijuana, you wouldn't want to live in them without it.
Always an optimist, I like to view my bank account as half full (even though it's currently overdrawn)
Pitch to Hollywood: The Three Musketeers but they're vampires -- wait, all female vampires ... in 3D. Wait -- the town has banned dancing.
Asked Siri why she keeps ignoring me. She finally said it's because I don't have an iPhone 4S and suggested I stop speaking into my iPod.
You idiot! If you "just died in her arms tonight," OF COURSE it was something you said. You should have walked away.
Stop interviewing the jockey! Talk to the horse.
If you're white and have ever said the words, "make it rain up in here" and you're not a weatherman, you need to stop it immediately.
The worst part about claiming Justin Bieber violently assaulted you is admitting you lost a fight with Justin Bieber.
It can only be assumed that Russell Brand's crotch smells like the inside a 99¢ Only store.
Porn star Jenna Jameson gets DUI after hitting pole. Shocking because, of all people, she should know how to work the pole ...
Closing ceremonies end with a glimpse of Brazil, which will host the Olympic games in 2016 and will be broadcast on NBC in 2018.
High school kid asks porn stars to prom on Twitter, gets two to say yes. Now comes the difficulty, having to tell one she's his fluffer.
Congratulations to Tiger Woods! Also to those lucky bitches in the Orlando area, about to feel what 13 strokes under par feels like.
We tap the same maple trees every year, but did something different this time and the sap's running so great, this one tree's a squirter.
Mayor Bloomberg confirms, had Iraq war heros also won the Super Bowl, he would have thrown a parade for them too.
Writer, Place it on Lucky Dan. I let Jesus take the wheel and it looks like he's driving me to the liquor store again ... http://t.co/3jHQ1d7yWS.