Babysitting my niece today has really opened my eyes. Literally. I woke up to a 4yr old prying open my eyes and asking "Are you awake?"

I'm still not sure how to tell if I'm looking at a newborn baby or an really really incredibly old midget.

DUDE!!! Anyone else think God secretly has a Twitter account where he can vent about us to... Wait for it... Wait for it... To US!!!!! O_O

You look younger than you feel.

Things NOT to say during sex

I bet midgets only feel half as lazy in the mornings as I do.

WARNING: not for the easily offended!!!
What's the big fleshy thing around the vagina called?


A woman

I'm in public. My asshole itches. Quit judging me, you know it's happened to u to.
My dilemma: to scratch or not to scratch?

Bad News: I tripped over a backpack and ate shit on the sidewalk
Good News: Pretty sure I landed in a new yoga pose I hadn't done before.

I'm willing to bet that I could kick every guy's ass in this preschool cuz midget-beatdown tactics probably works just as effectively here.

If any one of you can get me 20 new (real) followers today, i will tattoo your Twitter name on me today, take a picture of it, and tweet it!

Also, my girlfriend is make-believe.

I'm feelin crazy this morning. I may just show someone my tits.

Guacamole and pussy.
2 things I now eat on a regular basis but when I saw for the first time I thought wtf?!

My imaginary friend named Billy stole my imaginary whore of a gf, so I signed up for MMA classes today. I'm gonna kick Billy's ass
#revenge

Haven't been too active these two days. Wrestling wild ostriches makes it difficult to type on my iphone

Stuck between two baseball-lovin chicks. I don't know jack about baseball. I think someone scored a touchdown

i walked in on my aunt talking dirty to a stick figure that she drew on the wall in her closet.
i'm not allowed there anymore.

I told my girlfriend that I need more time to hang out with friends.
She didnt like that as I said 'friends' I pointed at my twitter app.

#CanYouFigureOut why people write violent graffiti on bathroom stalls? Is there a Gangs vs Janitors war I missed on CNN?

So let me get this straight. The new Facebook sucks so bad that R.E.M. Decided to split up over it?