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Babysitting my niece today has really opened my eyes. Literally. I woke up to a 4yr old prying open my eyes and asking "Are you awake?"
I'm still not sure how to tell if I'm looking at a newborn baby or an really really incredibly old midget.
DUDE!!! Anyone else think God secretly has a Twitter account where he can vent about us to... Wait for it... Wait for it... To US!!!!! O_O
You look younger than you feel.
Things NOT to say during sex
I bet midgets only feel half as lazy in the mornings as I do.
WARNING: not for the easily offended!!!
What's the big fleshy thing around the vagina called?
I'm in public. My asshole itches. Quit judging me, you know it's happened to u to.
My dilemma: to scratch or not to scratch?
Bad News: I tripped over a backpack and ate shit on the sidewalk
Good News: Pretty sure I landed in a new yoga pose I hadn't done before.
I'm willing to bet that I could kick every guy's ass in this preschool cuz midget-beatdown tactics probably works just as effectively here.
If any one of you can get me 20 new (real) followers today, i will tattoo your Twitter name on me today, take a picture of it, and tweet it!
Also, my girlfriend is make-believe.
I'm feelin crazy this morning. I may just show someone my tits.
Guacamole and pussy.
2 things I now eat on a regular basis but when I saw for the first time I thought wtf?!
My imaginary friend named Billy stole my imaginary whore of a gf, so I signed up for MMA classes today. I'm gonna kick Billy's ass
Haven't been too active these two days. Wrestling wild ostriches makes it difficult to type on my iphone
Stuck between two baseball-lovin chicks. I don't know jack about baseball. I think someone scored a touchdown
i walked in on my aunt talking dirty to a stick figure that she drew on the wall in her closet.
i'm not allowed there anymore.
I told my girlfriend that I need more time to hang out with friends.
She didnt like that as I said 'friends' I pointed at my twitter app.
#CanYouFigureOut why people write violent graffiti on bathroom stalls? Is there a Gangs vs Janitors war I missed on CNN?
So let me get this straight. The new Facebook sucks so bad that R.E.M. Decided to split up over it?
So my 3rd eye just opened. Didn't SEE that coming. Ha....ha... yeah, not funny.