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Autocorrect put an S at the end of "Enjoy the rest of your day" and now om pretty sure this booker thinks I'm going to murder him.
Shit, some people didn't stand up immediately as the seat belt sign turned off so now the plane has gone back to London with them on it!
*masturbating to the sound of men crying over International Women's Day with the piece of vibrating plastic I've replaced them with*
Of course Obama is going to win, his first name is PRESIDENT, helloo!
The best thing about having sex is 9 months later, when you can make the prank call.
Landlord: I just voted for UKIP.
Him: Those bloody immigrants.
Me: Didn't you migrate to UK from Iran?
Him: I mean the Polish ones.
Leave the One Direction fans alone, okay? I've seen you guys watch football. I've seen you cry over a ball.
"That status you just put up could ruin your career."
Then let it be ruined. Here's the status: https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204752882283928 …
Last night 3 drunk dickheads shouted "fat cunt" at me. Should've punched them, but instead I wrote this. https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204493806207188?notif_t=like …
Hello people. Yesterday I wrote this about some guys calling me a 'fat cunt'. Read it and I won't pester you again. https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204493806207188?notif_t=like …
Me: Have some money, sir. Spend them on something nice to wear.
Man: I'm not homeless. I'm hipster.
Me: I know. *whispers* I know.
Every time I've had sex, I always set my alarm to notify me 9 months later. That's when I send the Father's Day greeting card.
'Not groundbreaking comedy' - Steve Bennett, Chortle. You should listen to my podcast @TheCTSPodcast !
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