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Autocorrect put an S at the end of "Enjoy the rest of your day" and now om pretty sure this booker thinks I'm going to murder him.
*masturbating to the sound of men crying over International Women's Day with the piece of vibrating plastic I've replaced them with*
Of course Obama is going to win, his first name is PRESIDENT, helloo!
The best thing about having sex is 9 months later, when you can make the prank call.
Landlord: I just voted for UKIP.
Him: Those bloody immigrants.
Me: Didn't you migrate to UK from Iran?
Him: I mean the Polish ones.
Leave the One Direction fans alone, okay? I've seen you guys watch football. I've seen you cry over a ball.
"That status you just put up could ruin your career."
Then let it be ruined. Here's the status: https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204752882283928 …
Last night 3 drunk dickheads shouted "fat cunt" at me. Should've punched them, but instead I wrote this. https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204493806207188?notif_t=like …
Hello people. Yesterday I wrote this about some guys calling me a 'fat cunt'. Read it and I won't pester you again. https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204493806207188?notif_t=like …
Me: Have some money, sir. Spend them on something nice to wear.
Man: I'm not homeless. I'm hipster.
Me: I know. *whispers* I know.
Every time I've had sex, I always set my alarm to notify me 9 months later. That's when I send the Father's Day greeting card.
Kissing on each cheek is stupid. It's like dickslapping me on each thigh. Stop teasing and PUT IT IN.
I just tried to take a selfie whilst holding a glass of wine. It was hard. This must be what it's like having both kids and a career.
What's the male equivalent to the term "career woman"? Oh wait, I know it. It's just "man", isn't it?
'Not groundbreaking comedy' - Steve Bennett, Chortle. You should listen to my podcast @TheCTSPodcast !
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