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*masturbating to the sound of men crying over International Women's Day with the piece of vibrating plastic I've replaced them with*
Of course Obama is going to win, his first name is PRESIDENT, helloo!
The best thing about having sex is 9 months later, when you can make the prank call.
When people favourite my tweets instead of retweeting, it's like we've had sex, but you don't want to tell your friends. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
I love it when guys confidently tell me that they just can't speak to beautiful women
Sometimes I take a pregnancy test when I'm sad, just to remind myself that at least my life isn't completely over.
I've been sucking on this steak for hours. Not sure I'm celebrating this day correctly.
Judging by taste, I assume the last 15% of 85% dark chocolate is human shit.
Want to know if a he's too old for you? Take his age, divide by 2 and add the number of years your dad wasn't there and then do him anyways
If this tweet gets 100 retweets, I'm going to marry Chris O'Dowd and/or get a restraining order against him. Go.
I received an e-mail about Yahoo!Mail. Gmail placed it in the spam-folder. Your move, Yahoo.
Sometimes I draw a penis on my face with permanent marker so people think I have friends to get drunk with
Being a female comedian is only harder because we're not as funny as men.
Guys, I think we are all being inconsiderate to men's feelings. Let's all remember that sometimes they can't get all the sex they want :'-(
Also known as Sophie Hagan, Sophia Hagon, Sofia Hagea and Sogie Hayen. 'Not groundbreaking comedy' - Steve Bennett, Chortle