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Autocorrect put an S at the end of "Enjoy the rest of your day" and now om pretty sure this booker thinks I'm going to murder him.
*masturbating to the sound of men crying over International Women's Day with the piece of vibrating plastic I've replaced them with*
Of course Obama is going to win, his first name is PRESIDENT, helloo!
The best thing about having sex is 9 months later, when you can make the prank call.
Landlord: I just voted for UKIP.
Him: Those bloody immigrants.
Me: Didn't you migrate to UK from Iran?
Him: I mean the Polish ones.
"That status you just put up could ruin your career."
Then let it be ruined. Here's the status: https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204752882283928 …
Last night 3 drunk dickheads shouted "fat cunt" at me. Should've punched them, but instead I wrote this. https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204493806207188?notif_t=like …
Hello people. Yesterday I wrote this about some guys calling me a 'fat cunt'. Read it and I won't pester you again. https://www.facebook.com/sofiekhagen/posts/10204493806207188?notif_t=like …
Me: Have some money, sir. Spend them on something nice to wear.
Man: I'm not homeless. I'm hipster.
Me: I know. *whispers* I know.
Every time I've had sex, I always set my alarm to notify me 9 months later. That's when I send the Father's Day greeting card.
Kissing on each cheek is stupid. It's like dickslapping me on each thigh. Stop teasing and PUT IT IN.
I just tried to take a selfie whilst holding a glass of wine. It was hard. This must be what it's like having both kids and a career.
What's the male equivalent to the term "career woman"? Oh wait, I know it. It's just "man", isn't it?
When people favourite my tweets instead of retweeting, it's like we've had sex, but you don't want to tell your friends. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
Jesus: So what did you call the day I died?
Brits: GOOD Friday!
Danes: Long Friday.
Jesus: Ok, Denmark gets all the pretty people.
'Not groundbreaking comedy' - Steve Bennett, Chortle. You should listen to my podcast @TheCTSPodcast !