Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Autocorrect put an S at the end of "Enjoy the rest of your day" and now om pretty sure this booker thinks I'm going to murder him.
*masturbating to the sound of men crying over International Women's Day with the piece of vibrating plastic I've replaced them with*
Of course Obama is going to win, his first name is PRESIDENT, helloo!
The best thing about having sex is 9 months later, when you can make the prank call.
Landlord: I just voted for UKIP.
Him: Those bloody immigrants.
Me: Didn't you migrate to UK from Iran?
Him: I mean the Polish ones.
Me: Have some money, sir. Spend them on something nice to wear.
Man: I'm not homeless. I'm hipster.
Me: I know. *whispers* I know.
Kissing on each cheek is stupid. It's like dickslapping me on each thigh. Stop teasing and PUT IT IN.
What's the male equivalent to the term "career woman"? Oh wait, I know it. It's just "man", isn't it?
Every time I've had sex, I always set my alarm to notify me 9 months later. That's when I send the Father's Day greeting card.
When people favourite my tweets instead of retweeting, it's like we've had sex, but you don't want to tell your friends. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
Jesus: So what did you call the day I died?
Brits: GOOD Friday!
Danes: Long Friday.
Jesus: Ok, Denmark gets all the pretty people.
late at night:
*justin timberlake types in 'justin' on google*
*google suggests 'justin bieber'*
I love it when guys confidently tell me that they just can't speak to beautiful women
'Not groundbreaking comedy' - Steve Bennett, Chortle. You should listen to my podcast @TheCTSPodcast !