If calculus can be invented at the same time by two guys completely independent of each other, maybe that guy didn't steal your dick joke.

Christianity: We're not just about burning witches anymore.

Look, if you can turn your letters upside down or make them all fancy n' shit, just go fuck yourself.

I feel for you guys who write subtle, sophisticated stuff on here. It's like doing grands jetes in front of the monkey cages at the zoo.

I'm a Twitter god! Unfortunately, like most gods, I'm invisible, kind of a dick, and quite possibly a figment of your imagination.

If I ask a question on here, please don't respond with the answer, especiallly if you think Jesus is the answer.

I'm sorry, but in my social circle, cunt is a term of endearment. Am I wrong?

Twitter has taught me what spliff & shart mean. Well done. It has also taught me that the war on drugs is going much worse than I thought.

Well done whorish girl who sent me to the Urban Dictionary to look up a word that made me throw up in my mouth a little, well done.

Oh for fuck's sake, just fucking learn the goddamn difference between "then" and "than."

I'm a pretty positive person, but I've almost given up on my dream of being the first human born in space.

If you're a famous 18th-Century German composer and you follow me, I'll follow you Bach.

Someone just put me on a list called "NEVERUNFOLLOW." I don't know about you, but that sounds like a challenge to me.

Funny People are often Fragile People

I just got a DM from my other account with a link to me saying bad things about myself.

When the zombie apocalypse comes, I pray the first I hear about it is on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Welcome new followers! Your decision to follow me should get along nicely with all the rest of your bad decisions.

Closing in on 5,000 tweets & I've never gotten a trophy or more than 3 stars for a tweet. Are you cunts trying to tell me something?

You know I know how we're not in the matrix? BECAUSE WE'RE NOT IN THE MATRIX, DUMBASS!

I think I could just tweet advertising jingles from my childhood and you kids would think I was a fucking genius.