It sucks when you follow someone back because they had a few funny tweets and then all they tweet about is love and hope and stupid shit.

Everyone's twitter pics are super small now, but it doesn't really piss me off. Except when it's a chick in a bikini. Or a chick in general.

I just bought 20 Blu-Ray movies, most of which I already own on DVD. You win this round, Capitalism.

One of my favorite things in the world is locking my car with the remote after others do. Sometimes we get in epic honk-offs. It's awesome.

I'm pretty sure our national debt is just to show who's boss. "Oh word China, we owe you 5 trillion? Not gonna pay it. Say something bitch."

I wonder if Asian elephants have small penises like the other Asians. "Giiiiiiiiiiirl....that thing's only a foot long!"

It sucks to be outwitted by a robot. Why must your titties be so glorious, spambots?

Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony are both clearly racists. They could have found much more qualified non-Hispanic mates.

Twitter! It's like a comedy club! If you only had to deliver one-liners and had unlimited time between them. So nothing like a comedy club.

"Twitter Crush" is just a nice, slightly less creepy way of saying "Virtual Stalkee".

I'd totally let Michelle Obama put me in a sleeper hold until I pass out and then rape me until I wake up. Not that I've thought about this.

I just unfollowed a bitch who retweeted "The Notebook". Wow, only 12 followers, and already the power is going to my head.

Every time I feel like complaining, I remember that I own a knife that is made for and used exclusively to cut cake. Then I eat some cake.

Listen. Coming from someone who has been there. It is no contest between dick and vagina. Vagina wins. By like ten thousand times

Know what looks good in a bikini? A vagina.

Eating a huge meal before getting high is the new taking a shower before taking a shit.

So apparently I now have 2 tweets with over 20 stars, so I'll be banging Paris Hilton for the rest of the day if anyone wants to know.

Is throatfuck one word or two? These are the kinds of questions that keep me awake at night.

If "Orange" is not a new race on the next census then we have succeeded as a country. I wouldn't get my hopes up though.

I want to have sexual relations with every single chick in the entire country of Asia.