Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

My stupid chauffeur showed up in a fuckin' city bus today with like 50 other people on board.

Look, shit happens, but if you intentionally hurt someone who was nothing but good to you, you're just a piece of garbage. Simple as that.

Nice tan. I'm guessing your mother is white & your father's a sweet potato?

You guys, you'll never guess how much it costs to appreciate somebody!!


Nothing. It costs absolutely nothing.

There are countless ways to say "fuck you", but silence holds the title.

Lady, if you wanted me to help you get your stroller down the stairs you shoulda' had your baby with me.

Why do birds suddenly appear? Cause they can fly. If you could fly you'd be suddenly appearing all over the fucking place.

When I save your avi to my phone you don't get a notification, right?

My tweets ARE retweetable, right? Is it not working? Should I contact twitter support?

Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

There's really no telling how much of an asshole I'd be if I had abs.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

We're all in agreement that putting a necklace on a girl while she holds her hair up is incredibly fucking sexy, right?

I'm convinced most of you girls never talk to me because you're simply too afraid of the sparks we'll set off. That's sweet, thank you.

I've spent the majority of my life wrecking myself, with just a tiny smattering of checking myself.

Over the course of my life I have met 2 men and 7,466 women with Bipolar Disorder.

I'd love to be tweeting right now but I'm a man. And I've got a dishwasher to empty.