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It would be too perfect if Bruce Jenner decides to become a stripper named Juice Brenner.
I'm sorry I asked "what happened to you" when you showed me your baby pictures.
Neighbor: How's the new Thule cargo box?
Pretty sweet, I can fit both babies car seats in there & don't hear shit inside with the radio on.
*looking at picture of ultrasound*
Her: What should we name him?
Him: *looking at size of baby's head*
You know when you're having the worst day, then a baby smiles at you and now you feel worse cuz you have to take care of that baby you stole
H: Hey! What's in those three coolers?
Me: Ice. Ice. Baby.
I'm sorry I dropped your baby but in my defense boys are generally described as "bouncing."
Some people think I have my shit together and that, my friends, is a terrifying thought.
I remember the 90's, Michael Douglas ass far as the eye could see. Every movie had a Michael Douglas ass. That's Cinema
I hate when you're gone from my "recents"
Ever fart so good when youre sitting in a chair that you feel like you levitate for a second?
Calm the fuck down, Too Long Handshake Guy.
My superpower is acting like I wasn't just feverishly pressing the 'close door' button right before you got on to the elevator.
Me: The boss wants to have our annual work party at your house. Have you ever hosted anything before?
Co-worker: You mean like HPV?
It's noon and I'm taking my first nap of the day.
Someone's account for their pet has just requested me and now Instagram has officially reached Facebook status.
We all want the same thing: a baby giraffe and a condo in Bahamas.
Pioneer in black market dermatology & limb removal. @Blarebare gets my noogies. IG: steveguttenberg
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