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RT if you're 27 and still a fucking loser. haha let's kill ourselves together.
A gorgeous couple walked towards me and smiled, I imagined them being attacked by an eagle and smiled back.
I'm claiming you with my fingerprints on your throat.
Relationship status: sent a warning to my neighbors that I was having sex tonight.
I'm writing a book called "I Have Spring Fever, and a Million Other Reasons I Don't Want to Be at Work. Ever."
It's as if every insect known to man knew I wanted to sit outside today and joined me.
"Hey man, aren't you that funny guy on twitter?"
None of us are getting famous off of this shit.
Don't tell me about your twitter problem until you've made it to your second dump of the day & you're still on the toilet from the first one
When my boyfriend pulls his wiener out I slap him in the face with mine.
Well, fuck. -Louisiana Tourism Department watching True Detective
Sorry I said, "OMG WHAT IS THAT THING??" when you asked me to hold your baby.
Coworker: "Hey, are you any good with computers?"
Me: "I'm Indian."
Honestly? I almost ALWAYS high five after sex.
One day, I'll probably run this country. Not today, though. No. Today, I laughed for 20 minutes at a video of a lizard farting in a bathtub.
I am literally every parody account. Yes, even the one you think youre controlling...I am that one too. I am very good.
My cramps are at a 7, so my penis envy is at a 9. Arm wrestle me.
Your mind is such a turn on. I want to fuck it.
*picks up secretary*
"What are you doing??"
It said take one.
You're the suckers giving away secretaries.
Maybe I don’t want the bells or whistles.
I'm here because I thought I heard someone opening a bag of peanut m&ms. @Blarebare gets my noogies.