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I don't see how anyone born before 1986 can be lumped in with "millennials" tbh
If you ever forget a black person's name just call them Fam and they will never know.
A homeless man said he hadn't eaten in days and wanted money for food. Felt so bad I shed a tear as I rolled up my window and locked my door
My road less traveled is full of candy wrappers, unanswered texts and abandoned cat toys.
Your mom’s fave part of super bowL sunday is piping the mayonnaise laces on her football shaped meatloaf.
Snoozin' in muh Top Spot 🌙
I love you ✌🏻️❤️
-subtweeting muhself, IDGAF
I will be your villain
Me: I'm fucking hilarious.
Me: I'm not funny at all.
Wife: Told you.
*hangs a "no boys allowed" sign on my uterus*
"Stop trying to make this party all about you!!" I screamed at the bride on her wedding day.
You know you're old when the highlight of your Friday night is clean bed sheets.
Ever post something on Craigslist's Missed Connections and hope for a response while you slowly die alone?
I called a rugby player a pussy once.
Is it a coincidence that he was the only deaf rugby player on the team? I don't think so.
I wanna party with your puppy
Hi. How are you? My name's Eric and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America. We're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree. @Blarebare gets my noogies.
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