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If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.
Look, shit happens, but if you intentionally hurt someone who was nothing but good to you, you're just a piece of garbage. Simple as that.
Nice tan. I'm guessing your mother is white & your father's a sweet potato?
Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
There are countless ways to say "fuck you", but silence holds the title.
My stupid chauffeur showed up in a fuckin' city bus today with like 50 other people on board.
You guys, you'll never guess how much it costs to appreciate somebody!!
Nothing. It costs absolutely nothing.
There's really no telling how much of an asshole I'd be if I had abs.
Lady, if you wanted me to help you get your stroller down the stairs you shoulda' had your baby with me.
Why do birds suddenly appear? Cause they can fly. If you could fly you'd be suddenly appearing all over the fucking place.
When I save your avi to my phone you don't get a notification, right?
Unfollowing hot girls who aren't funny is a sign of maturity.
My tweets ARE retweetable, right? Is it not working? Should I contact twitter support?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.
Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.
I've spent the majority of my life wrecking myself, with just a tiny smattering of checking myself.
We're all in agreement that putting a necklace on a girl while she holds her hair up is incredibly fucking sexy, right?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Pioneer in black market dermatology & limb removal. @Blarebare gets my noogies. IG: steveguttenberg
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