My BFF showed me a dick pic someone sent her. We laughed, and pointed for an hour. FYI, That's what girls do with those.

"I don't have a lot of girlfriends. Guys are so much easier to get along with"- Girl who fucks everyone's boyfriend.

It's a thousand degrees out, with an extreme chance of swamp ass.

I like to say "Cunt" in a super classy way. Like I'm British or some shit.

I can't tell if this is going to end in a dance off, or knife fight.

I can tell by your avi that your voice is annoying.

"Just pretend you're shaking a bottle of nail polish." -Handjobs 101

I love when strippers call themselves dancers. Like they could win a scholarship to Juilliard by making it clap.

I like when someone takes a risk to be funny. Tweet that rotten shit. We get it.

Hey guys, I know of a great diet that really works. It's called "Poor". I think Campbell's came up with it.

We are all hypocrites. There is written proof.

I like messing around with pictures, but every filter I use makes me look like a Cheeto.

Vow renewal ceremony? Someone didn't get enough attention at the wedding.

A boner with jizz on it just favorited one of my tweets. Life has taken a bizarre turn. I'm gonna go cry and hold myself in the corner.

I'm all about equality, but a chick saying "Suck my dick" is fucking weird.

It's not called Camel Toe if you're Canadian. It's called Moose Knuckles.

"How many dudes kissed me while I was dead?"-Snow White

I finally Googled bukkake. Apparently it's my worst nightmare. You guys are gross.

I'm one of those kids who just doesn't learn... Except I'm an adult and that probably means I'm retarded.

Day two of this ridiculous fever. Whatever I'm turning into, I hope it can fly.