I'm just sitting here on a Saturday eating cereal in my underwear. In retrospect a bowl would have been a better choice.

I switched two babies in strollers outside the TJ Max dressing room today and no one has said a thing.

It's amazing how authors always make their books metaphors for exactly what's happening in the lives of the book club members who read them.

You'll notice that neither candidate will be wearing pink tonight. That's because they're both running on a pro-breast cancer platform.

I like to snap my fingers right before I start peeing so it looks like it happened by magic. It's a big hit in groups.

I like that they each have a lapel mic just in case they want to start enthusiastically wandering around the stage.

It really takes me out of the moment when I'm looking through erotic X-Men art and Wolverine is circumcised. #regenerativehealing

I was going to ask you to shut up about your kid but then I realized you'd probably talk about yourself, so I'm going to just wait this out.

Dear everyone who begs for a retweet or a follow- You do realize that none of this bullshit we're doing here actually matters, right?

I wish facial hair wasn't so trendy right now. It's making it really hard to hunt down and kill the evil versions of people.

I bet vampires who got YOLO tattoos in their mortal life feel like fucking idiots now.

There's nothing I love more than a blog with zero views and a bunch of posts that start with, "OK, so a bunch of you asked me..."

Bazooka Joe Gum, for folks who want to chew gum for 20 seconds and move on with their goddamn lives. #honestcandyads

I always bring the same gift to every baby shower: a wicker basket and printed out directions to the nearest river.

I just ate a Dorito so packed with flavor that nothing else will ever make me feel again.

If a cooler full of gasoline isn't what you wanted for Christmas, then no, I guess I'm not done with holiday shopping.

I'm slowly sending Hulu tiny cries for help by only telling them the hard alcohol commercials are relevant to me.

Happy Valentine's Day. I would give my left arm for you, but not the right because then I'd have nothing to hold you with.

If you collect all the skin and hair you shed in 10 years, it's enough to equal another you. It won't look like you though, mine didn't.

I love it when you reach into a pocket of a jacket you haven't worn in a while and find money. And a gun. And a little mask.